Today, browsing through home storage and organization books. I read an article called "10 things successful women do" (it was as cheesy as it sounds), but one of the tips were "Make your bed". It didn't have as much to do with making your bed as much as it had to do with keeping your space clean. A clean space = a stress free mind.
The nice thing about keeping a blog is re-reading old posts and seeing how quickly your attitude, mind frame and opinion can change over such a short period of time. It's like when I look back on my high school journals and have a giggle at how melodramatic I was. I love that I have documented the details of how I've felt: how at times I've been naive, how curious, positive and hopeful I've been (and am). I have a resolution to go back and read my past journals on New Years Day, to remember everything that had happened over the last year and reflect on how I changed and grew from my experiences. It's a cool thing to review the words and thoughts of your past self. I feel like in 3 months I've learned so much. When I wrote my last post, I was still recovering from treatment #4: I hadn't slept in over a week, was suffering from abnormally crazy hot flashes and was definitely feeling down.
I'm at the very end of this treatment - day twenty - and I'm feeling so much better, mentally and physically. Re-reading my last post I felt so sad for myself (ha). It was definitely one of those low moments that everyone warned me about. When you're diagnosed, you generally go for a "Chemo Teach" class at the hospital: they make you sit through a particularly painful and scary slideshow of all of the side effects you may/may not experience, followed by a Q&A with a nurse that works on the chemo floor. They take you for a little tour around the cancer wing and the volunteers show you where you can find warm blankets, orange juice, and how to wheel yourself to the bathrooms. My volunteer pulled me aside while we were on our tour and told me she had gone through chemo herself and now that she's older has decided to volunteer. She she had two piece of advice for me:
1) Take advantage of the good days. There will be good days and there will be some very bad days. When you have a good day, take advantage of it and don't take it for granted. You don't know when your next good day will come again.
2) Go for walks. Get fresh air every day. Even if it's just around the block.
I think this is pretty good advice whether you're going through chemo or not! I was given a lot of advice when this all started, but for some reason, this is what stuck.
I'm getting increasingly tired as the time goes by: I find myself waking up in the morning and after breakfast I'm ready for a nap. Despite this, I do find it so important to get outside at least once a day, no matter how tired I am. It's a brutal cycle: I can't sleep at night, so I sleep during the day, then my nap is pushed later, and by the time night comes... I can't sleep again! I'm trying to break the cycle but for now, it's what works for me. But the walks help for light exercise and to tire me out a bit.
I'm prepping myself for this Tuesday (tomorrow) - treatment 5/6! At the beginning of this week I met with my oncologist, preparing for the worst. For some reason preparing for bad news helps me appreciate good news so much more. If you remember, I hadn't seen any change in my tumour at all the last 2 treatments. I think that contributed to my attitude after the last one: to have your life completely uprooted and to feel like it is for no reason is devastating.
But...guess what? I got some GREAT news this time around! It seems like for me, good things really DO come in 3's. After my first round, I had three pieces of good news. It's the same this time! Here goes:
1) My catscan I had 2 weeks ago on my lungs came back in: it was CLEAR. The cancer has not spread and the spots on my lungs they were concerned about back in November are nothing to worry about.
2) From this catscan, they saw that my lymphnodes are NO longer swollen at all and look like they've returned to normal! This doesn't necessarily mean the cancer is gone (and they will be removed regardless) but it definitely means that the chances of it spreading from there are now next to none.
3) My tumour shrunk from 8cm to almost 6cm! Considering I started at 10cm...major win! Taxotere is my drug apparently (I told you guys!).
I can't describe how happy I am. Honestly, I'm most relieved about my lung scan coming back clear. It was the elephant in the room: had it spread? It would have changed my entire diagnosis and treatment plan (not to mention my life...). So, this was totally the push I needed to get to the finish line. When you know you're fighting and winning, the fight becomes so much easier.
My eyebrows are holding on strong for now - although I notice when I pluck them, it doesn't hurt at all anymore, they seem to just come right out. My eyelashes on the other hand are becoming sparse. It was recommended that I try out Thrive Causemetics: an awesome company that designs fake lashes for women going through cancer treatments (or even those that aren't!). Their lashes can be used up to 30 times, and their glue is meant to stick to skin: not lash. This is awesome, as most glue and lashes are meant to adhere to your natural lash line and won't stick when there isn't any hair! I have worn them once and they are beautiful and natural looking. While they are a bit more full then what I normally wear mascara-wise, they are definitely nicer then my natural lashes! (My wig and fake lashes are nicer then my natural ones. Why would I ever want my hair to grow back!?) Bonus: Every time you purchase from them, they donate a pair to a woman going through cancer treatment! :)
Other then that, I've been keeping busy as usual! Here's a random assortment of pictures I've taken of my "escapades" from the last few weeks (I didn't take any pictures of my cats, or of my naps, but trut me there was a lot of both of those as well):
Jeff and I celebrated our 6th Valentines day together! We had a plan for Jeff to make dinner once he was home from work, but I didn't want there to be any stress. Instead, we walked to Trio, a cozy bar in our area, and had some appetizers and fancy drinks. We chatted and reminisced, trying to remember what we did the previous five Valentine's days. Naturally, we both got each other gifts from Chapters (my cute new scarf with the vintage glasses pattern has been on my wishlist!) and then I cried at my sappy card. Typical. I feel pretty lucky to have him by my side: not only this year when I'm at my worst, but for all the years past and all the years to come.
We got to spend some quality time playing Laser Tag (we were called "those adults in the back" by the facilitator...), and eat some Valentine's inspired cake with the wedding party of our best friends Kris & Graham. Aren't we a snazzy looking group? (Kris and I are in the back there dressed up as the little boy and ET for Halloween...).
So pleased to be spending more time with my cousin and sister! This week we went for lunch and binge watched Ana Faris movies on Netflix. We have been trying out arm knitting and finger knitting. It's so easy!! You should try it. I have made an infinity scarf in about 45 minutes for $6. Next we're going to try a nice chunky blanket. Like I need another blanket...
I went to a Bachelorette in Montreal!! Seriously. I have had a few people go "!?!?!" about that one. It may SEEM like overdoing it but let me be honest: I was SO ECSTATIC to be doing something normal. I miss partying! That sounds bad, but I can reassure you the drinks were limited and I sanitized my hands more times then is considered normal. We ate and drank and danced and it was a fabulous celebration. I came back tired but so happy. Thank you to Jackie for organizing such a great trip and of course to Katrina for being such an awesomely fun bride.
Skating on the canal with my favorite dude! We were lucky to go on one of the few days that wasn't -40. It's actually shocking that last weekend Ottawa was named the coldest capital in the WORLD. Let's be honest, we only went for the beavertails. We aren't really the winter type. Unless it involves a beach or backyard and a cooler of cold drinks, I'm not really the "outdoorsy" type either. Regardless, it felt great to get fresh air! I am definitely worse at skating then I remember.
I kept telling Katrina how she must have sub-consciously planned all of her events around my treatments, because not only was I able to attend them all but I felt good! Her wedding was this Saturday, and if anyone tells you that you can not DIY a wedding and have it be beautiful, they are mistaken. Winter weddings are so rare and it was a winter wonderland: complete with blue drinks, a hot chocolate bar and a long fur cape for the bride. I can't wait to see the pictures and video. I was able to make it till the end and we danced all night long. I can't imagine a couple that is more in love or perfect for each other then Katrina & Matt and I was so happy I got to be a part of their celebration! (PS - YES that is my wig in an updo. YES, I consider myself an A+ pro at wig styling now)
Happy colours!
A girlfriend of mine sent me this hilarious article titled "12 Things Never To Say To Someone That Has Cancer". I laughed my head off. Cancer jokes have become frequent in my household and are also extra helpful for persuading people to do things for me. For example: "Jeff...can you PLEASE get me a glass of water? But... I have cancer!!" or when I borrow my sister's clothes... "Lianne, this is my cancer sweater! I wear it when I'm not feeling well!". Who could say no to that? Throw in that C word and you've got it made. Sometimes you have to make light/take advantage of things that suck! ;)
In other cancer-related news (because that's what you come here for, right?!), Krysta Rodriguez - a TV & Broadway star - was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and started a fantastic blog that's in it's baby stages (she just started her chemo), called Chemo Couture. When I read her blog, I feel like a seasoned pro when it comes to treatments now and that is so funny to me. Only a few short months ago, I was finding myself frantically searching "chemo tips", "breast cancer side effects" or "how to keep my hair as long as possible" reading everything there was to know about the fight I was up against. She's only a few posts in, but I relate to her writing and her tone. A lot of what she says really speaks to me. Here's some musings after her first week of chemo:
"Miraculously, a week later I feel almost perfectly normal. It’s an eery and slightly empowering feeling to know you are sick but to
feel so normal, like you’re cheating the system. I feel almost guilty
about it. During this time I still haven’t shared with everyone that I
have cancer. The secret inside is so large but the desire for normalcy
is monumentally larger. I have found that sometimes it just feels good
to pretend. One of the first things you realize is that no one wants to
tell you their problems or talk about fun frivolities when there’s a
cancer elephant in the room. What they don’t know is that I’m the LAST
thing I want to talk about! I don’t want something as greedy as this
tumor to steal my ability to be a friend, a confidant, a woman. I’m not
ready to be known this way."
My sister came over to my place on Sunday and we placed our bets on our favorite Oscar contenders. In reality, we didn't see as many movies as we would have liked and we all ended up guessing. I consider myself an Oscar's buff, and I still can't make educated guesses at categories like Best Short & Foreign Language Film. It's hard enough to get through all the ones nominated for Best Picture!
My sister came over to my place on Sunday and we placed our bets on our favorite Oscar contenders. In reality, we didn't see as many movies as we would have liked and we all ended up guessing. I consider myself an Oscar's buff, and I still can't make educated guesses at categories like Best Short & Foreign Language Film. It's hard enough to get through all the ones nominated for Best Picture!
It SOMEHOW turned into a 3-way tie between Jeff, Lianne and I which just means we are going to have to use our movie gift card to see a movie altogether. You simply can't fill out the ballots without an appropriate prize to go along with it! (This is one of the few times where my competitive side comes out...). Next year I am making a promise to have a big Oscar party in the theater room in our building.
I'm going to try and tie things up as it's almost midnight and I've eaten an entire bag of Goldfish crackers so I think it's time for bed. I have an early day at the hospital tomorrow (8AM - don't they know I don't get up before noon?!). I have packed my hospital bag and even made a lunch to bring with me. I have my alarm set for 6. If you follow me on Instagram, you probably saw that both Jeff and I slept through our alarms last chemo day and were very late. Oops. Hopefully we can pull ourselves together for this round!
I wanted to share that I hit 15, 000 views on my blog this week. Wow. This has been since I published my first post back in the end of November. I disclose this only because I am in awe of the power of the internet and the incredible ways people can connect. At the wedding this weekend, a couple I know came over to me and told me they shared my blog with a family member that was recently diagnosed. She told me that it had helped her learn more about her diagnosis and what she was going to be enduring in the months to come. I remember reading Nalie's blog and being so thankful for her. So thankful to have someone else that I could look to, refer to, use as my guide. I'm scared but elated that I may be that for someone else. What started out as a post to keep my family and friends up to date on my day-to-day has turned into so much more. I definitely don't know 15, 000 people, so to those of you that are reading this that I haven't met personally: Hi! I am so happy you're here. If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me. I may or may not be able to answer them, but I DO know how nice it feels to have someone that understands what you're going through, and I could be that for you (if you want). Mainly I'm just being selfish because I love making new friends, cancer or not.
In one month from now I'll be done my treatments and feeling good! In a month it will also be Spring (25 more days!), so when you're trudging to work this week and you think you may have frostbite, keep that tidbit of information in your back pocket.
Until next time
xx
Sam
