Today it dawned on me that I have spent so much time forcing myself to accept my life with stage IV cancer that I started to convince myself that this was the end.
I have spent so much time exploring my mortality, coming to terms with what it means to die, understanding and deciding my thoughts on afterlife.
I became fixated on the idea that I am terminally ill, that "I have cancer".
I scoff at those that pray for hope, insisting they're prolonging their pain, not coming to terms with their reality. Today I saw a girl with cancer say "It is all going to be okay". For some reason, it stuck with me. I think it's the next piece of my puzzle. To come to terms with a harsh reality, make peace with it, and then say "I can still live.."
I am letting the beauty back in. I am allowing hope, ever-so-slowly, to become part of my life. I am praying for more then days-weeks-months.
Acceptance. Peace.
Hope.
xx
