About a week ago I met at the General Hospital to see my oncologist. It was a conversation I knew was coming but I still didn’t really know it was coming
“If it was my wife or sister I wouldn’t recommend they do anymore treatment. In fact, your quality of life may be longer and better”.
It’s been the better part of 6 years and being given permission to be still now, to be grateful and applauded for what I’ve been able to accomplish feels good. My mantra has always been to fight for those living with MBC when they couldn’t anymore - now the time has come when I hope someone will do that for me.
(There was a new drug, Tucatinib, that I am not going on. It is so similar to Neratinib, which I’ve squeezed all the benefit from during the pandemic, it’s not expected to work all that well. Then what do I do, after possibly burning myself out from handling this new drug that may last a few months (diharrea, nausea, extreme fatigue, possible dehydration). There isn’t a plan anymore. A plan is always something I’ve felt comfort in - I always know what will happen, no matter how bad, I will get through it.)
This time I’m left with this insurmountable decision - one that you think you’ve made when you’re well (“I would never jeapordize any of my QOL!), to letting that fear creep in (“well maybe I can handle one more treatment”).
So now I look for grace to handle what is inevitably going to be my decision alone - do I try another treatment? Or do I enjoy the time I do have - which looks a lot like printing photos for new vinyl photo albums, getting my health records documented on my blog, seeing my friends and family, putting some early work into this years Turning the Page on Cancer, snuggling dogs and (hopefully) being able to see the gorgeous end of the renovation.
PSA:
I still desperately want everyone around me to be normal. I’m not deep down sad - I feel a sense of change to how I’ll do things now. Unapologetically and boldly, excited about accomplishing what matters and makes a difference to me. I feel the same on the inside. I’m currently still watching the same bad reality tv and I plan on getting the new BTS McDonald’s meal tonight with Lianne and Jeffy.
As for a timeline, I know after 6+ years no one can tell me definitively how to navigate this. My oncologists have told me to expect sooner then later but they aren’t sure.
That’s the cancer update I never wanted to post. Now it’s done and I feel an immense weight lifted off me. If I have any advice for those that will unfortunately come after me, it was that I spent so. much. time. Where I was thinking and planning for this moment, and I wish I hadn’t. The anxiety of sitting in this negative mind space for so long wasn’t worth giving up any time when you could be feeling good.
I’ll update again soon.
Sam xo
