Under quarantine and with jeopardized immune system I’ve primarily stayed at home.
I’m going to declare now that I feel incredibly happy and light. I think I can justify to you why I feel that way.
My backyard is a paradise and I’ve never appreciated living here like I do during this quarantine. I used to lament about how far away I was from everything. Now, I’ve come to realize, there’s really nowhere if rather be.
I started my new chemo (Neratinib) and the side effects can be rough, but having my Mom here for company has changed my life. Giving in finally (I am stubbornly independent) to having someone help me, and having someone to talk to during the day (most days I wouldn’t speak until Jeff got home!) makes such a difference. My quality of life is Better then it had been in a long time - even when I felt ‘fine’ on my last treatment.
I know the change in weather has instantly affected me - I love and thrive in the sun. My dark periods of the past have always started in January and sometimes I was really desperate.
It could be those reasons but here is my theory:
I’m at peace.
I’m wary to say that so plainly.
It’s something I’ve battled since my Stage 4 MBC diagnosis in 2016. I did the begging to above. I made a list of things I wanted to achieve. I was sad for so long about a terminal diagnosis. No amount of meditation made me feel better. I was sad underneath it all. I buried it so far down. My meds made it impossible for me to cry. Yet, if you caught me at 2AM or when I forgot to take my medication, the sadness was at surface level and I couldn’t hold it back anymore.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out for me
Years I’ve spent battling this idea. I could never accept it: I’ve spent a lot of time with myself where I’ve gone over my diagnosis - 5 years later and I still can’t believe I have cancer. I always was getting used to this new normal - it never became ‘normal ‘ to me.
I had an appointment with my oncologist that brought up some sensitive subjects when it was clear I was running low on options.
Long story short: there is presently no trials I qualify for, Tucatinib is not approved in Canada yet and due to multiple times of stereotactic radiation, two craniotomies and whole brain radiation - there isn’t a lot that can be done up there anymore! (Never say never thought!)
I felt so conflicted and defeated. I hadn’t come this far to let my mental strength break. I didn’t feel at peace with this breast cancer diagnosis though.
I spoke to my therapist (someone who basically saved me mental health), and she urged me to say something to those I loved. I pleaded for their reassurance that regardless of what happened to me, they would be okay.
My therapist expressed me to that this is my time. My life. I can’t take on how you are dealing and processing my diagnosis - I have enough worrying to do on my own. I felt guilt. I think that’s common for those that are critically ill.
Not only did it open up conversation and break a barrier between myself and the people I love the most, it was then I felt automatically free.
I felt enlightened and it allowed me comfort. I finally felt enabled to make decisions based on just me. How I felt. I’m feeling this was, I actually feel stronger then ever. To have the knowledge that this can go either way and it’s going to be okay - that was the secret for me to go forward.
I’m not worried going into scans and appointments. It feels so strange. I wondered if writing this was just a way to reassure myself and mask my fear going forward but it isn’t that. I genuinely feel like this is what peace feels like. Something I’ve been struggling to find and achieve for 5 years. Has it really been that long? It has felt like a whole life and I’m the other hand, just a few days.
In closing, I feel happy going into my next treatment. I understand it will be tough going forward but whatever happens to me next - good or bad - feels like something I can deal with.
xx
Sam
