That Time I Went On An (un-edited) Rant

I get upset by things because I’m a human - not always because of the cancer. I haven’t talked a lot about that. I’ve talked about being sad, but not angry. Upset. I normally don’t post about these feelings - I let them sit, simmer - sleep on it, or talk to Jeff, my friends or my family about it. I didn’t think they were “appropriate” to write down here. 

Then I thought.. do I really care?

In honouring the transparency I’ve always shared since I was diagnosed in 2014, I thought about it today and decided - hurt feelings or not - I’m going to share what I’m feeling, just as I always have. This is tough because I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but in not writing it down, I feel even worse.

I’ve been having all these thoughts weighing on me and I felt I needed somewhere to dump them. So it may seem sporadic, un-organized, or emotionally charged. That’s because it is.

My trip to Nicaragua was amazing without a doubt. I have so many great things I experienced, learned, and am so grateful for. That’s for another post though. In this post, I’m going to say, Nicaragua really highlighted to me how disabled I feel. I am very slow, and my right foot is almost robotic - not allowing me very much balance. Stairs, mountains, hills - all things I try and avoid. I grip to Jeff most of the time because I’m so scared of falling (and rightfully so, because I’ve fallen quite a bit). I had to spend time looking at the ground, wondering where I’m going to step next instead of seeing the beautiful sites and scenery. I have an amazing husband and friends that reassure me all the time that they want to wait for me. That I’m not a burden to them. When they wait for me at the top of the stairs, or get me things because it’s harder for me to get up once I’m sitting down. I love them for that. Deep down, though, my lack of independence has been so hard on me. I’m embarrassed to let others help me. I’m ashamed I can’t do some things on my own. I liked walking around, shopping or attending concerts by myself. I was sick, but I still felt like me. 

As well as my right foot, I lost the use of my right hand. Losing the ability to use my right hand (which was my dominant) has changed everything for me. I can’t write - which I’m reminded of whenever I sign a receipt, am asked to fill out a medical form, sign my passport or write in a birthday card. I used to journal a lot (my own  private escape) which I can’t do anymore either. I can’t do most crafts (scrapbooking, colouring, etc). I can’t paint my own nails, I taught myself to use my left hand to put on makeup or dry my hair, but eyeliner? That’s been retired from my routine. Putting sheets back on the bed, trying to use a razor, zipping up a jacket. 

Have I said “I can’t” enough yet? 

I am complaining here, and I hate it. I should be feeling lucky that I’m still able to have fun, go out and do things, like go on trips. Sometimes I don’t want to feel lucky though. Why should I feel lucky? Sometimes I want to scream (instead I normally get grumpy and cry - sorry Jeff). I have Stage IV breast cancer - I don’t have the option to have children, have a fulfilling career, or grow older - and I should feel lucky?

I am also starting to have a love/hate relationship with social media. I want to post on there, but I feel a judgement pass sometimes. You’re having a great life. You’re social! Energetic. Going on trips, having drinks! Of course I’m not going to post that some days I stay in bed until 3. I’m not going to post all the pills I take. The wicked side effects I get (I’ve thrown up so much that I will ask Jeff to get the dog food to smell - speeds up the process because that makes me sick right away!). Social media, for those that are sick or not, is only showing one side of us. It is not transparent.

I heard someone say “I could never do all of that when I was sick”. The way it was said felt judgemental, like I should be taking better care of myself. It made me doubt what I was (happily) doing. 

There are other women I follow that have advanced cancer, like myself. I always find such pleasure and comfort in being able to connect with them, share their experiences, keep in touch. Sometimes, though, I find cancer pages with misconceptions and I get very mad. I already find that there is a big gap in understanding what Stage IV breast cancer is. Recently, I felt like I had to say something to someone that had a lot of influence and followers. In turn I was blocked and left feeling hurt, wishing I hadn’t said anything at all. My pure intentions came out the wrong way - angry, upset. 

Today, I told this story to a group I was in. Instead of support, the laughing afterwards made it feel like a ‘first world problem’. Most people agreed: don’t say anything next time, don’t have that negativity in your life, saying ‘this is why I hate social media’. I felt young. I felt stupid. I felt regret that I even mentioned it, even though it had been something that had been really bothering me. 

There were two other times that I felt judged in a room that was meant to be non-judgemental, because of my young age. I bet they weren’t meaning to hurt me, but I felt sad anyways. 

I’m so desperate to meet others in my shoes that age never mattered. In fact, I was definitely the “most sick” person in attendance! Still I felt like no one could, or wanted, to relate to me. My age felt like a barrier for the first time. 

Then, I thought, maybe it was because I’m no longer bald. Wearing a wig. Puffy from steroids. I found it much easier to claim sick when there was that visual to go along with it.

In reality I shouldn’t have gone, and I know that. I wasn’t ready to face my reality yet and this group made me angry. Usually it happens this way: I’m the one in the wrong but I blame it on others.

I feel so confused with all the trials and alternative therapies I read about. I would like someone to explain to me what I should do next. My family doctor refers me to my oncologist, my oncologist refers me to my phychiatrist, they recommend me to the OICC and they want to charge me $120 just to see a naturopath, to recommend me treatments. Do I stop this treatment and start a new clinical trial? What if I don’t actually get the drug? What if it fails, what if it works? There are unconfirmed studies that cannabis crosses to the brain, but I went for an appointment that left me with $100 of oil that left me feeling so high I couldn’t function. Even then, I learned, that dose was too low to even be used as a treatment! 

I think a lot of patients have the same confusion as I do - it is hard to be your own advocate, do your own research when you’re tired and worn down. These aren’t pleasant things to think about - especially if you’re NOT looking to take control, like me. I never want to know how many tumours I have, details on how things are working, or keep my paperwork or documents after scans and blood work. I just need to be told if I’m doing ok or not, in basic terms. I find all of the options overwhelming. 

I think I have social anxiety - sometimes I leave my text messages unread, don’t reply for days or often not at all. Same with phone messages (I’ve missed more then one appointment because of this), or cancel plans because it feels like too much. Usually it’s something I don’t want to think about, talk about, or I just don’t know how to respond. Then I feel guilty, and not wanting to explain myself I put it off a little more. A vicious cycle cycle in the end. 

I feel anxiety having to plan out my week since I don’t drive. I feel intense guilt asking people to come to me - or asking for others to skip work to take me to appointments, etc. I cancel or don’t do things because of the driving. I’ve seen this mentioned often in online groups, and I definitely understand, which is why I’m mentioning it. 

And I know what you’re thinking!  “SAM, YOU SHOULDN’T FEEL THAT WAY AT ALL!!”, re: all of the above. 

I do, though. It’s not you, it’s me. I know it’s wrong but I’m not sure I can feel another way. Trust me, I’ve tried. 

Anyways, that’s the start to my week and how I feel today. Other then reading, my hobbies have dwindled, so I have a lot of time for thinking. My mood changes often and tomorrow is a new day. I want to change my record player and storage layout (big dreams) but I should probably make my bed and put away the three piles of laundry (they’ve been sitting there for over a week).

I’m not going to edit this one. I’m going to leave it as is because A) it takes a lot of time and B) trying to be genuine. You know.

If you made it to the end, thanks for reading this word vomit of a post. I feel better already. 

Sam

Poisoned, Chopped Up & Burnt: A Novel

Rooftop dinner, Ribfest, Soccer games at Landsdowne, Canada day traditions, and s'mores by the fire (featuring the cutest family selfie EVER).

Over the winter, my blog became my friend and confidante, my own way of being "social" when I wasn't able to leave my bed. More recently, however, as the fog has lifted and I have been able to return back to normal, I have been feeling less and less inclined to spend time inside on my computer and feeling more and more inclined to go out and do all the things I have been missing out on.

The first thing I want to do when I am all healed up (more details on my disgusting, terrible, horrible sunburn below...) is jump into a pool and SWIM. It is so hilarious because I have always been a tanning-poolside kind of girl but naturally as soon as I am not allowed to go swimming, it's all I can think about. Soo typical.

I have been busy. I always like to keep busy, but my life the past month has re-defined what busy means to me. Going to the hospital every single day is time consuming, draining, and frustrating. The only benefit has been the hangout time my mom and I have had: we've had the best adventures,  incorporating fun lunch dates, (window) shopping trips and car dance parties into our insanely long hospital afternoons.

Radiation has not been at the same time every day, which has made it nearly impossible to have any sort of routine. Some days I am in for 10AM, some days not until 12 or 1 o'clock. I have given up on any sense of real "normalcy" or routine as I have been progressively getting more and more tired as the days go by. I am drained of any sort of energy by 6PM most days and need my afternoon naps.

The burns are nasty. No other way to put it. It is not like your typical sunburn. I started peeling and then the fresh skin underneath got burnt as well and it is now peeling too. My skin has changed from being brown and tanned to black. The worst areas are definitely my collarbone and under the breast. Now, it isn't unbearable (yet). They prescribe creams for itching and healing and I've been instructed not to put anything else on the wounds. I originally panicked when I read that I wasn't allowed to shave under my arm during treatment, but slowly realized that I needn't worry: I am so burnt that no hair is growing anyways. My last treatment is Tuesday (!!!!!) and about 14 days after my last treatment they said to expect the skin to fully peel off and then I can start getting back on track.

They say it's supposed to get worse... how in the heck is it supposed to get worse then this...

I also had my second round of Herceptin, and I am sooo happy to say I survived this one with minimal side effects. The stomach pain and headaches have (almost) completely disappeared.

I went to go for a follow up MRI a few weeks ago because my headaches were so bad. They wanted to do a scan of my brain to make sure all was OK up there. Anyways, as most of you know, MRI's are not very pleasant. I had my IV put in, changed into my blue hospital gown (I seriously think I should just own my own set at this point), and went to go in the machine. My specialist ran over to me before I started and said 'Wait! You have an expander in your chest, don't you? What make is it? Some expanders have metal in them...'. Surely enough, mine is one that is made with metal. This means I am not able to go for an MRI while I have it in. I am very annoyed at this.

An MRI is the most accurate way to see what is going on inside the body, and it does so without using any radiation (cat scans, x-rays etc. use radiation, which can possibly cause a second cancer later on in life which I would obviously like to avoid).

Fifteen dollars in parking, an unnecessary IV and 3 hours at the hospital later they sent me packing and said there was nothing left they could do. Although I haven't voiced it, the cancerous lymphnode in my chest has been a major cause of stress for me. I realized then that I wouldn't be able to get a read on how it is progressing until this dumb, rock hard expander was taken out of my chest. I had anger towards my plastic surgeon for possibly inserting something into my body for purely cosmetic reasons that was preventing me from looking after my health. The whole idea here is to make sure I come out cancer-free... right? Additionally, I can't even have it removed because you are not supposed to touch skin that has been radiated for 6-8 months after treatments.

So here I am, having a panic at the hospital, thinking my cancer has spread to all of my limbs and that I will have to go through a lifetime of chemotherapy and never see hair on my body ever again. My radiation oncologist did tell me the cancer was tiny (less then 1mm), and that I shouldn't be worried at all. However, this is interfering with my "I am cancer-free" thing so of course I was worried.

Last Friday I go in and tell her my concerns. I don't want to return to real life worrying that I may have cancer and have to go through this all again. I don't want to start developing a routine and have to hear "You have cancer" again. I can't do it.

She told me to hold on and grabbed my "file" (more like a novel, it holds detailed write ups of every single test and appointment I have had since this started). She is flipping around and falls on my last scheduled MRI which I had before my surgery. In tiny, small print at the bottom of the page it says:

"Suspicious activity in the lymph nodes appears to have been cleared up".

"Suspicious activity in the lymph nodes appears to have been cleared up".

"Suspicious activity in the lymph nodes appears to have been cleared up".

"Suspicious activity in the lymph nodes appears to have been cleared up".

Cancer. Free.

I guess I can't expect the oncologists to read every last little detail... but there it was all along, written in my file. I have been cancer free this whole time.

Cue some happy tears and hugs with my mom later and all of a sudden radiation didn't seem so bad anymore. I don't need it to clear up any present cancer, so it's merely a preventative to sterilize my skin and affected area.

With only two sessions left, I'm not sure what I'll do with all of this newfound time I'm going to have. I have Herceptin every 21 days and some follow up appointments but my active cancer treatments will be over. 

(Since writing this post, I finished my treatments! And a throwback celebration picture, as my mom finished about 2 weeks ago. Went for a celebratory lunch with my family. As fate would have it, I finished my radiation on my mom's birthday.. double celebration!) 

One of my insta-friends whom is currently going through chemo wrote under my picture "That must feel amazing - I can't wait to get there too. Live and laugh my friend". Honestly, I can remember being 3/6 chemo sessions in and feeling like this day would never come. I had no idea what was going to happen to me back then, but here I am: poisoned, chopped up and burnt but very much alive and kickin'.

Duh. Starting with a selfie and ending with a selfie.

I had a very big internal struggle this last month with my appearance. I guess it is only natural: my hair is starting to grow back, my eyebrows are making my face look more "me" and all of a sudden I cared about how I looked again. During chemo, I was too sick to care. But, 30 pounds later and very strange, awkward hair that likes to flip up in every direction and I just started to feel... unpretty. I wanted my body back, my hair back, my wardrobe back.

Many people said to me, well aren't you supposed to lose weight during chemo? Truth is, not anymore. In fact, they encourage you to gain weight. Eat when you're hungry, which if you'll remember this hilarious post, the steroids made me very, very hungry. Paired with months of bed-dwelling and my body is very different then what I was used to.

When I worked for the salon my end goal was to look like Barbie. I'm not even kidding you. I loved my bleached blonde hair and pink dresses, I wore heels every single day and I wore a size small. My nails were always perfect and I mastered fake lashes. In reality, This was only last January (2014)! When you live like that for 3 years of your life, working in an industry that is obsessed with image, you can't help but get sucked in to trying to always look "perfect" and it is very difficult to change your mind frame. So, about a month ago I started being hard on myself about getting back into a routine and looking up gym memberships.

As radiation progressed though, I couldn't fathom the idea of exercising. I have been so tired. In the last month, I have had my first few big "outings" since I have been feeling better: Kris's bridal shower, Westfest, Canada Day, the bachelorette. Most were heavily photographed and I remember dreading taking any pictures of myself. I didn't want to see what I looked like.

 

Some bachelorette and bridal shower spam! Other then radiation, planning these two are what took up most of my time (and we had an absolute blast at both!). :) 

Turns out, I must have learned a thing or two along this journey. I look at pictures and I pleasantly surprise myself. Instead of being harsh and judgmental, I am so happy. Does that sound cheesy and self centered? I look like me. I look happy. I am enjoying my life. I am able to celebrate. I am able to go out and do things again. A long 8 months later and I feel like me, finally. I love my body, I'm proud of it. Poisoned, chopped up and burnt... my body saved my life. Every single doctor I have had has told me how great I am at "healing". I bounce back quickly.

It took me a long time to write this post, because I wanted to be sure I was being true with myself. Body issue and image struggles are a very real reality after cancer - Nalie, Krysta and others have all openly struggled the same way I did. You don't look or feel the same anymore. You keep getting waves of "Woah. Did that really just happen to me?". Your body is scarred and changed and you need to deal with all of that. I'm sure it will be a battle I fight over again, but for now...

I am constantly wowed at how our bodies look after us and fight for us.

I just want to hug my body and tell it what a good job it has done and how proud I am of it.

I have likely put my body through more then it will ever again go through in it's life, and I am soo proud of it.

I am so grateful for this lesson, and to be learning it at a young age. For this revelation, for this new found kindness to my extra curves and dimples and yes even some stretchmarks (which I have taken to fondly calling my stretchies).  I am grateful that cancer has made my mind strong and deeply engrained the lesson that I am more then my weight, appearance and hair.

I am happy that cancer has allowed me to look at a picture and instead of pick out flaws, see how happy I am to be with friends and family, or how much fun I am having. To understand how hard it was to get to the point where I am able to celebrate life again.

In the words of one of my favorite ladies (J.K. Rowling)...

"Is fat really the worst thing a human can be? If fat worse then vindictive, jealous, shallow, vain, boring or cruel? Not to me." 

Now the struggle becomes real... what to write about now? Life after cancer... stay tuned.

xx

Sam

You'll Never Walk Alone: Christmas 2014

I really love Christmas.

I am the person that tells everyone "I LOVE WORKING RETAIL CHRISTMAS!" (who says that?). It's always been my favorite thing: I love a busy mall, a busy store, a long lineup, helping people pick out gifts for their loved ones. I had been collecting vintage Christmas brooches and earrings to wear at my store throughout the Christmas season before the c-word (sometimes saying cancer is way too shocking) decided to try and ruin my holidays. I wanted to try and do it all since I finally had a December where I wasn't working (seriously though, when will I stop thinking I am the exception? You are not invincible).

Luckily, I was able to partake in most of my favorite Christmas traditions before my treatment on the 23rd. I have had more then enough time on my hands to recreate the most Pinterest-worthy gingerbread house, dozens of handmade coconut and oreo truffles, and went to extreme lengths with my extravagant wrapping.

 

One of these things is not like the other: When making our gingerbread log cabin, my mom and I went a little snack crazy on the box of triscuits thinking we would have more then enough to do the roof. When we finished off the last panel, however, we realized we were one. triscuit. short. Hence, one lone graham cracker panel. Because that's life, right? Nothing is perfect. I think it gives our little house personality. And what can I say... we love our snacks. 

The other thing that has marked my holidays was the fact that I am now almost bald. So I guess I'll talk about my hair, as losing it was the biggest "milestone" I've had to overcome since this whole thing started back in November. Jeff had a family party on the 20th, and I was so determined to make my hair last until then. It started falling out on the 18th, and when it started to go, oh did it start to go. It started with a few strands and then it got to the point where if I touched it, clumps would fall out. I ended up not showering for 3 days because I simply didn't want to see it go. I would have to clean out my brush 4-5 times after a shower just to get rid of all of the hair I was losing.

I ended up making it to the party (Jeff and I call this event my hair's "last hurrah"), and I think I was more at peace with the fact that I buzzed it off two days later because it had lasted much longer then I thought it would. I made it to the party, but not without my sister in law having to follow me around and pull clumps of hair off of my back because I was shedding like crazy. By the time Monday, the 22nd, came I was holding on to what was left of my hair in a baby's hair elastic (& I had fine hair to begin with!).

 I cried my eyes out the entire way to the salon where I ended up shaving my head, but I left with a feeling of such relief (For those of you following: my oncologist ended up recommending I NOT shave my head myself, in case I knicked my scalp and started bleeding. My blood is pretty thin right now so I can't really be at risk of cutting myself!). I can't even explain it, but it feels better to be bald then it did to be shedding and devastatingly watching it all fall out. By the end of the day, Jeff looked at me and said "I don't even notice you don't have hair anymore. It's normal already". You think you are going to be this alien person, that I would feel such shock and embarassment to walk around my apartment without a hat or wig. I don't feel that way though: I still feel very much like "me". In the end, I realize I wasn't as attached to my hair as I thought I was: I still look in the mirror and see Sam. I don't look alien.. yet. (Eyebrows and lashes still holding on strong!)

The last hair hurrah, feat. my lovely family. 

I loved waking up to this lovely surprise on my pillow... not. & If you think cat hair on dark hardwood is annoying, try long blonde/pink hair! We'll be vacuuming hair for weeks.

Benefits of having no hair: well...there's the obvious, in that you have no hair. No body hair. This is amazing (and also inconvenient apparently, because as Jeff pointed out, he was at a loss to fill my stocking this year without a razor and shaving cream). I also used to spend A LOT of money on hair products - no need for that anymore either! If anyone needs Moroccan oil, hair masques and shampoo galore ..hit me up, because I'm your girl. I have hair products by the gallon. You can also shower in under 3 minutes and throwing on a wig takes no effort at all and you always look done up. Also, funny story (you'd think I made this sh*t up, but I swear I don't!): my hairdryer broke the day before I buzzed my hair. Like, started smoking. Some kind of freaky sign, or what? (This could be a great time to embarrass Jeff about how he needs to get his own blow dryer now for his amazingly thick hair but I'll avoid doing that...) ;).

Negatives of not having hair: Not knowing when you need to shower (... kidding, but not really.) I had oily hair so this would force me to get out of bed and have a shower in the past! Now it is just so easy to get up and go! Then there's the obvious, which is that going out in public gets you some weird stares. Wigs are also a little itchy, but as I've dabbled in hair extensions in the past, I'm getting used to it for days when I feel like looking "normal". Also, I feel like I scare people. I don't look like myself anymore, and I'm so worried this will change how everyone sees me (it was easy to pretend I wasn't as sick as I actually was, because I looked fine). More so to the little people in my life, it's hard to explain why all of a sudden I have no hair anymore.

Appropriate choice in clothing for Chemo round #2!

I've read blogs upon blogs about cancer, chemo, and how to cope with side effects. Everyone seems to have a strong stance on wigs, so here's my input: having my wig has given me a sense of relief. Some people may say it feels fake, but to me it gives me a sense of normalcy. I may not be used to it yet, or think it looks like "me" when I put it on, but I felt relieved knowing I could go to a wedding this winter, or to a New Years party and look somewhat myself.

The day after I shaved my head was the 23rd, my second FEC chemo treatment, and it came creeping up on me. I wasn't actually dreading it, to be honest. In fact: I chose not to think about it at all. I had gotten a ton of good news from my oncologist, so I actually chose not to acknowledge that I could be sick over my favorite holiday. So you know what I did? I planned a small Christmas party at my apartment after my chemo session. I ate Pot-of-Gold, candy canes, and mini appetizers. And for four hours, I felt totally fine. Prezzies and good memories all around.

(I can't lie, remembering what happens next still makes me nauseous).

To spare you all details, my party came to an end very abruptly, and I was really sick. No other way to put it. After a few hours, I gave in and the home nurse came to my house and gave me a needle that relieves nausea and puts you to sleep. She scared me a bit by telling me that once you're nauseous, it usually sticks around. She told me to call and book her back in 8 hours from now because I would need it. Luckily, when I woke up 8 hours later, it had subsided. Lesson: I completely overdid it. Next time, just eat some dinner, drink some water and put yourself to bed.

What was left was what I've described before: I am weird. I'm just not myself. I stare at the wall for hours at a time and it's like no one is home. I'm tired but my sleep isn't restful. My head hurts. The neulasta shot (which my mom administered to me like a pro this time - good job mama), has made my body so sore that if you touch me, I'm sure I'll bruise. I'm dizzy and short of breath and just...not myself. But! Despite all of this, I had a really wonderful Christmas. Your prayers and thoughts helped immensely, because I was able to have Christmas dinner with my family (the steroids give you appetite!), and snuggle with my puppy and sister and Jeff.

 

Cozy Christmas. My new favorite hat!

It's now Dec 29th (edit: I wrote this post a while ago and was way too lazy to add my pictures at that time..so, here it is!), and to be honest, I'm frustrated because I'm not feeling a whole lot better (edit #2: I actually woke up on Tuesday feeling so much better!). It's so much easier to be positive when you're not feeling so.. sick. I think this relates back to Maslow's Hierarchy or something (I wish I had listened better in school): but, when you're hurt, sick, hungry or tired... sometimes it feels like nothing else matters. You need to fulfill your basic needs before you can entertain any idea of New Years Eve plans, potlucks, and social activities. They physically exhaust me: and these are normally things I live for! Today I'm sitting at Starbucks with my mom and, like Jeff said (he's usually right), getting up and out of bed has made me feel more like a regular human.

 

You'll never walk alone: One of my close friends shaves their head in support of my hair loss. Thank you, Marty.

I have continued to receive an outpouring of support and kind holiday wishes from you all, and I swear your prayers and positive thoughts are what is pulling me through this. Today, I'm officially 42 days into my year: I'm one third done my chemotherapy. My hair is gone. I have celebrated my first holiday touched by cancer. Like they tell you when you start this journey, you will experience extreme highs and lows but it's your outlook that makes all the difference. Thank you for helping me see this Christmas in such a beautiful light: it's the best gift I could have received. I hope you all got to spend time with your family and friends, eat lots of delicious food, and scored some wicked boxing day deals for me (too many germs with that many people in the mall.. but Boxing Day 2015.. I'm coming for ya!)

xx

Sam

(un)wind: Life After Diagnosis (+ link roundup!)

 I've had quite a few people ask me what I do with my days now that I'm off. Truth is, I actually try not to lie around that much. In the beginning I found it hard to find a reason to get out of bed in the mornings: I wasn't working and my life didn't feel like it had a ton of "purpose". I've tried to abandon that idea and plan and fill my days with fun activities (even something as minor as a trip to Target, or a walk to Starbucks). This last week I haven't been that tired and I wanted to get out and do as many things as possible before my next treatment!

"Learn, laugh, love, smile, cry and dream. Care deeply. Don't hate. Mostly, though, laugh. Share the passion of life's grand adventure"

Can I eat this again?

I love days when Jeff is off. I take advantage by trying to get him to wake up at 6AM with me (he really loves that). We were excited to have a few days that didn't involve hospital visits, so we decorated our apartment for Christmas and had lunch by our place! I thought the quote on my place mat was very fitting.

 Salvation army Christmas concert with my aunt & family! Tradition.

Alas, on Wednesday, I had a rough one. I was tired. I had a sore throat (which I learned Thursday, is a common side effect of the flu shot! Which I had this week. Since my immune system is low, it's actually totally normal for me to get a bit sick from it). I was having some major hot flashes. My body hair started falling out, and then this morning my actual hair started coming out in clumps.

I was so hard on myself yesterday for not going out and crossing a bunch of activities off my to-do list. Instead, I laid in bed and listened to the ENTIRE Serial podcast. All 12 episodes. (Have any of you listened to it? I become obsessed fairly easily with TV shows, but this was the first time I've listened to a podcast. I loved Sarah's voice and diction. I found listening to someone speak totally relaxing. It's now made me super interested in trying out audiobooks!).

 This is what 14 hours in bed looks like. 

 I think part of me may have been nervous for my oncologist appointment which was Thursday afternoon. Thankfully, it's as if the universe knew I needed some GOOD news, and as some of you may know: I got back great news!

1) Since my side effects from the chemo were minimal the first time, it likely means I will have a fairly easy ("easy"..ha) time throughout the rest of the treatments. This means... I may escape chemo without any nausea! Woo. Let's keep our fingers crossed on this one.

2) The biopsy I had done on some lumps in my left breast came back as benign (TMI? If so, Sorry but...). Double woo! This may have an impact on the eventual surgery I choose to have.

3) My oncologist then asked me..so, is it working? I told him I wasn't sure. The tumour still felt fairly large to me. He measured it, and told me he'd have to disagree... that when he originally measured it, it was 10cm, and now it was 8cm. And, if you do the math: 10x10x10 = 1000... 8x8x8=512. This means, despite how I felt... it shrunk quite a bit with only one treatment! He smiled and told me to go  celebrate this Christmas because he couldn't have given me better news.

So, going into the weekend I'm super relieved (and also super in need of a wig). I think our mind gets the best of us sometimes: I tried to make myself feel guilty for not being active when in reality my body is fighting a major battle. Even though I feel better on the outside, my insides are fighting hard for me right now. A bed day may be what the doctor orders every once in awhile and I guess I accept that (I did hear the Real World just started up again... ).

Anyways, I have been spending SO much time clicking around the internet that I thought I'd share some interesting links to make your Saturday (and visit to this blog) all that much more interesting! (also, less cancer related... so much for not making this a cancer blog...)

Weekly (un)Wind:

-  How To Be Powerful, Likeable, and Female: This article talks about my favorite subject(s): women, the workplace, management style, and Jenna Lyons.
- Why Authors Don't Compete: this article by Seth Godin is awesome. "More reading is better than less reading, even if what's getting read isn't ours."
- This etsy shop makes all "miniature" doll sized, diorama friendly (amazingly adorable) accessories. Picture mini Harry Potter, mini Vogue, mini Ouijia board.The detail in them is crazy!
- My best friend is getting married this summer, so I've spent my fair share of time looking at wedding blogs. So far, this wedding is the most unique and fun I've seen yet!
- Also, if you're looking for some good book recommendations, this is Amazon's list of top books you should be reading in your lifetime (dated last February).
- Lastly, I have talked about one of my favorite blogs on here before, but A Beautiful Mess has been great with the holiday inspiration! I am obsessed with this Palm Springs gingerbread house, and these no bake oreo truffles (I just made them...they're amazing and so easy!)

Happy Saturday! (Now go listen to Serial if you haven't done so already)

xx

Sam

(un)Finished: In Transition

 

Time to do some major catch-up!

Jeff and I have been laying low lately. I have been loving my quiet time: taking baths, starting (very hard and frustrating) 1000 piece puzzles, reading a book a week, being able to finally make a dent in my very long "I'll read it later" list of internet articles. Listening to  Beyoncé on repeat. Eating all my favorite foods! February has been a very indulgent month for "me" time.

We have also been on the hunt for a new home, looking at apartments every weekend. It's fun to see an empty space and try to picture yourself living there. I love where we are now, but it isn't hard to become obsessed when you see modern white finishings and a fresh bagel shop next door. It looks like we may be looking at an April 1st move in date - the day Jeff and I celebrate our five year anniversary! I couldn't imagine a better way to spend it then settling in our new place. I have also had a few interviews (hint, the "transition" title of this post). I don't want to jinx anything, so that's all I'll say about it here!

      

 

We planned a last minute roadtrip to visit some friends in Toronto in January. I LOVE roadtrips. I also love having great travel buddies! We're all pretty similar in the way that we don't always plan ahead: this time, it led us to some pretty hilarious and unexpected adventures.

We spent quite a bit of time at Bellwoods brewery, where the boys dreamed of brewing beer and starting their own business. Of course, we also had to stop in at every bakery and burger joint until we couldn't fit any more food in us if we tried (trips that revolve around food = win!). We even managed to squeeze in some shopping time on Queen Street. 

Before heading home on Sunday, we went to the Drake Hotel for brunch. Jeff had told me that it was incredible (not only the food, but the decor and ambience was very unique). Made-to-order blueberry scones and chicken and waffles are their signature items, and I can honestly say there isn't a day that has gone by since where I haven't thought about that meal. Ah-mazing.

Their general store is attached to the hotel, and it was a full-on hipster hangout. I can't say I didn't love the selection of quirky merchandise though - this is where I saw the above Gin & Tonic card. I think it was made for me. Instead, I walked out with more then a few rolls of washi tape and the new Kendrick Lamar record. Totally guilty.

 

Despite MAJOR sickness going around in our household, I was spoiled with a three course meal this Valentine's day - see above for our delicious Mediterranean eggplant/lobster pasta dishes! I am SO grateful to live with a good cook. He's a pretty good boyfriend too I guess ;). 

I told Jeff I would make dessert, and my strawberries and cream cake turned out pretty delicious.  And pretty cute too! I feel like it's okay to compliment myself, mainly because I have no problem admitting that there has been so. many. failed. recipes in my past...Ha. I adapted the recipe from Gimme Some Oven. My favorite part of baking this cake was definitely reading the sayings on all of the hearts before I stuck them on. "My Pet" and "Baby Luv" were my favorites.

I just realized most of this post revolves around food. I guess I'm okay with that, because most of my life revolves around food as well! In fact, it's just about time for me to sleep so I can dream about the vanilla latte and fresh chocolate chip muffins I'm going to have in the morning...

What are you eating this weekend? 

(un)Informed: Where do we get our knowledge from?

Recently, I had a talk with Jeff about my general "knowledge" about the world (hint, taking geography in french during high school was NOT of benefit to me long-term...)

I told him I felt frustrated because I didn't "understand" some of the issues that were taking place globally. I felt left out during conversations because I wasn't informed. I blamed it on the fact that I wasn't in school, that I'd skipped out on a good, well rounded, university education.

While I was having this pity party for myself, Jeff gave me some fantastic advice. Teach yourself.

Jeff has been out of university for years, yet is always up to date on the latest news. From celeb gossip to political issues, he knows all the details. I tell everyone Jeff is "the smartest person I know", that it comes naturally. 

Then I started watching him more closely. Jeff wakes up every morning at the same time. He doesn't hit snooze. He has a shower and ACTUALLY leaves himself enough time before work to have a coffee and read the news on his computer. We'll be watching a TV show, and while I'm absolutely consumed in the drama, every once in awhile I'll catch Jeff glancing down reading an article (news, sports, you write it and he reads it). He subscribes to national geographic. Jeff has been self-educating himself for years and it has nothing to do with the fact that he has a university degree.

I've come to realize lately that a lot of the things that I believed were just my character flaws - things I believed were too late for me to learn, things that I had settled for and made excuses for - are things that I can pro-actively change. And it was that simple - teach yourself. We have the knowledge at our fingertips.

I'm so guilty for checking my phone every time I get a break - instagram, twitter, facebook, vine, pinterest - I'm social media addicted. In the amount of time I refresh the pages and absorb useless information about what my acquaintance had for lunch, I could have learned a language and read a bookshelf of novels. 

I'm someone that believes in balance (like I'm going to give up my social media altogether though - funny joke!), so instead I agreed that I would try to check it all at once - in the morning or at night. The same information will be there and it will consume less of my time.

I resolved to study up on things I'm interested in. I've started with just basic 'wiki' knowledge, and I usually get lost from there. The hours I'd spend looking at cute puppies and hairstyles on Pinterest is fun, but I'm really loving being "in the know". I like reading both sides of the issue at hand and being able to form my own opinion.

I've subscribed to "The Skimm", an e-mail which comes to my inbox every morning that simplifies the headlines, puts the news in simple terms, and covers an array of subjects. It has easily become one of the most enjoyable parts of my day. I've found myself able to reference and talk about what I've read with my customers, colleagues, family and friends nearly every day since I started subscribing.

Maybe this is just a revelation to me, but I know that I'm not the only one that uses the internet strictly to look at these Micheal Kors Oxfords and re-watch Miley Cyrus on repeat from the VMA's. I've really learned to love the time that I've taken to open up my eyes and see what the internet can really be used for. The information and tools at our fingertips is pretty amazing if you just go looking for it.

Sam

weekly (un)wind: I Believe in Maniacs

This is what I woke up to this morning. Jeff made me my favorite meal (Who am I kidding? Every meal is my favorite meal!) and served it to me on our patio! Spending time on the patio with Jeff is one of my favorite summer "day off" activities. I wish we had the opportunity to do it more often.

Jeff is leaving on Sunday to do some traveling for work. Being together for 4 and a bit years, this will be our longest time spent apart. We're trying to take advantage of all of the together-ness we can until then!

Finally some flowers (and much needed colour) near our building! A big celebration as we've been surrounded by construction since we moved in.

Missing Mexico right about now! Our friends have come up to visit the past two weekends and we had fun reminiscing. We exchanged memory cards and it was fun to see some new pictures (like the one above at the Mayan Ruins!) Although Ottawa is having a total heat wave right now, I could do with some relaxing beach time - Somewhere far, far away preferably!

 Last week Jeff and I went to some second-hand stores. It's become the only place I shop for books. You can't beat the prices! I found the above and couldn't help cracking a few open and taking myself back to my pre-teen years.

Ottawa's biggest music festival (arguably one of Canada's biggest festivals, at that) is taking place right now. I absolutely love going to Bluesfest. The atmosphere is comforting: so many good memories are associated with it. I've been going ever since I hit my teens. Great food, drink and music. Oh, and always great company. My close friend and I hit up Sunday night to see a stellar performance by Tegan and Sara.

Tegan and Sara 

We got all bundled up expecting a torrential downpour. Instead, we were pleasantly surprised with a pink sunset. Perfect night for live music!

 

I came across the above quote on Gala Darling's blog. I truly believe you have to do work you are passionate about. I love taking my work home with me: coming up with creative ideas and incentives to better my business is something I thrive on. Constant growth contributes to my happiness at work and is something I look forward to on a daily basis.

"I wouldn't wait for Monday. I don't believe in weekends."

Happy Wednesday!