You'll Never Walk Alone: Christmas 2014

I really love Christmas.

I am the person that tells everyone "I LOVE WORKING RETAIL CHRISTMAS!" (who says that?). It's always been my favorite thing: I love a busy mall, a busy store, a long lineup, helping people pick out gifts for their loved ones. I had been collecting vintage Christmas brooches and earrings to wear at my store throughout the Christmas season before the c-word (sometimes saying cancer is way too shocking) decided to try and ruin my holidays. I wanted to try and do it all since I finally had a December where I wasn't working (seriously though, when will I stop thinking I am the exception? You are not invincible).

Luckily, I was able to partake in most of my favorite Christmas traditions before my treatment on the 23rd. I have had more then enough time on my hands to recreate the most Pinterest-worthy gingerbread house, dozens of handmade coconut and oreo truffles, and went to extreme lengths with my extravagant wrapping.

 

One of these things is not like the other: When making our gingerbread log cabin, my mom and I went a little snack crazy on the box of triscuits thinking we would have more then enough to do the roof. When we finished off the last panel, however, we realized we were one. triscuit. short. Hence, one lone graham cracker panel. Because that's life, right? Nothing is perfect. I think it gives our little house personality. And what can I say... we love our snacks. 

The other thing that has marked my holidays was the fact that I am now almost bald. So I guess I'll talk about my hair, as losing it was the biggest "milestone" I've had to overcome since this whole thing started back in November. Jeff had a family party on the 20th, and I was so determined to make my hair last until then. It started falling out on the 18th, and when it started to go, oh did it start to go. It started with a few strands and then it got to the point where if I touched it, clumps would fall out. I ended up not showering for 3 days because I simply didn't want to see it go. I would have to clean out my brush 4-5 times after a shower just to get rid of all of the hair I was losing.

I ended up making it to the party (Jeff and I call this event my hair's "last hurrah"), and I think I was more at peace with the fact that I buzzed it off two days later because it had lasted much longer then I thought it would. I made it to the party, but not without my sister in law having to follow me around and pull clumps of hair off of my back because I was shedding like crazy. By the time Monday, the 22nd, came I was holding on to what was left of my hair in a baby's hair elastic (& I had fine hair to begin with!).

 I cried my eyes out the entire way to the salon where I ended up shaving my head, but I left with a feeling of such relief (For those of you following: my oncologist ended up recommending I NOT shave my head myself, in case I knicked my scalp and started bleeding. My blood is pretty thin right now so I can't really be at risk of cutting myself!). I can't even explain it, but it feels better to be bald then it did to be shedding and devastatingly watching it all fall out. By the end of the day, Jeff looked at me and said "I don't even notice you don't have hair anymore. It's normal already". You think you are going to be this alien person, that I would feel such shock and embarassment to walk around my apartment without a hat or wig. I don't feel that way though: I still feel very much like "me". In the end, I realize I wasn't as attached to my hair as I thought I was: I still look in the mirror and see Sam. I don't look alien.. yet. (Eyebrows and lashes still holding on strong!)

The last hair hurrah, feat. my lovely family. 

I loved waking up to this lovely surprise on my pillow... not. & If you think cat hair on dark hardwood is annoying, try long blonde/pink hair! We'll be vacuuming hair for weeks.

Benefits of having no hair: well...there's the obvious, in that you have no hair. No body hair. This is amazing (and also inconvenient apparently, because as Jeff pointed out, he was at a loss to fill my stocking this year without a razor and shaving cream). I also used to spend A LOT of money on hair products - no need for that anymore either! If anyone needs Moroccan oil, hair masques and shampoo galore ..hit me up, because I'm your girl. I have hair products by the gallon. You can also shower in under 3 minutes and throwing on a wig takes no effort at all and you always look done up. Also, funny story (you'd think I made this sh*t up, but I swear I don't!): my hairdryer broke the day before I buzzed my hair. Like, started smoking. Some kind of freaky sign, or what? (This could be a great time to embarrass Jeff about how he needs to get his own blow dryer now for his amazingly thick hair but I'll avoid doing that...) ;).

Negatives of not having hair: Not knowing when you need to shower (... kidding, but not really.) I had oily hair so this would force me to get out of bed and have a shower in the past! Now it is just so easy to get up and go! Then there's the obvious, which is that going out in public gets you some weird stares. Wigs are also a little itchy, but as I've dabbled in hair extensions in the past, I'm getting used to it for days when I feel like looking "normal". Also, I feel like I scare people. I don't look like myself anymore, and I'm so worried this will change how everyone sees me (it was easy to pretend I wasn't as sick as I actually was, because I looked fine). More so to the little people in my life, it's hard to explain why all of a sudden I have no hair anymore.

Appropriate choice in clothing for Chemo round #2!

I've read blogs upon blogs about cancer, chemo, and how to cope with side effects. Everyone seems to have a strong stance on wigs, so here's my input: having my wig has given me a sense of relief. Some people may say it feels fake, but to me it gives me a sense of normalcy. I may not be used to it yet, or think it looks like "me" when I put it on, but I felt relieved knowing I could go to a wedding this winter, or to a New Years party and look somewhat myself.

The day after I shaved my head was the 23rd, my second FEC chemo treatment, and it came creeping up on me. I wasn't actually dreading it, to be honest. In fact: I chose not to think about it at all. I had gotten a ton of good news from my oncologist, so I actually chose not to acknowledge that I could be sick over my favorite holiday. So you know what I did? I planned a small Christmas party at my apartment after my chemo session. I ate Pot-of-Gold, candy canes, and mini appetizers. And for four hours, I felt totally fine. Prezzies and good memories all around.

(I can't lie, remembering what happens next still makes me nauseous).

To spare you all details, my party came to an end very abruptly, and I was really sick. No other way to put it. After a few hours, I gave in and the home nurse came to my house and gave me a needle that relieves nausea and puts you to sleep. She scared me a bit by telling me that once you're nauseous, it usually sticks around. She told me to call and book her back in 8 hours from now because I would need it. Luckily, when I woke up 8 hours later, it had subsided. Lesson: I completely overdid it. Next time, just eat some dinner, drink some water and put yourself to bed.

What was left was what I've described before: I am weird. I'm just not myself. I stare at the wall for hours at a time and it's like no one is home. I'm tired but my sleep isn't restful. My head hurts. The neulasta shot (which my mom administered to me like a pro this time - good job mama), has made my body so sore that if you touch me, I'm sure I'll bruise. I'm dizzy and short of breath and just...not myself. But! Despite all of this, I had a really wonderful Christmas. Your prayers and thoughts helped immensely, because I was able to have Christmas dinner with my family (the steroids give you appetite!), and snuggle with my puppy and sister and Jeff.

 

Cozy Christmas. My new favorite hat!

It's now Dec 29th (edit: I wrote this post a while ago and was way too lazy to add my pictures at that time..so, here it is!), and to be honest, I'm frustrated because I'm not feeling a whole lot better (edit #2: I actually woke up on Tuesday feeling so much better!). It's so much easier to be positive when you're not feeling so.. sick. I think this relates back to Maslow's Hierarchy or something (I wish I had listened better in school): but, when you're hurt, sick, hungry or tired... sometimes it feels like nothing else matters. You need to fulfill your basic needs before you can entertain any idea of New Years Eve plans, potlucks, and social activities. They physically exhaust me: and these are normally things I live for! Today I'm sitting at Starbucks with my mom and, like Jeff said (he's usually right), getting up and out of bed has made me feel more like a regular human.

 

You'll never walk alone: One of my close friends shaves their head in support of my hair loss. Thank you, Marty.

I have continued to receive an outpouring of support and kind holiday wishes from you all, and I swear your prayers and positive thoughts are what is pulling me through this. Today, I'm officially 42 days into my year: I'm one third done my chemotherapy. My hair is gone. I have celebrated my first holiday touched by cancer. Like they tell you when you start this journey, you will experience extreme highs and lows but it's your outlook that makes all the difference. Thank you for helping me see this Christmas in such a beautiful light: it's the best gift I could have received. I hope you all got to spend time with your family and friends, eat lots of delicious food, and scored some wicked boxing day deals for me (too many germs with that many people in the mall.. but Boxing Day 2015.. I'm coming for ya!)

xx

Sam

(un)wind: Life After Diagnosis (+ link roundup!)

 I've had quite a few people ask me what I do with my days now that I'm off. Truth is, I actually try not to lie around that much. In the beginning I found it hard to find a reason to get out of bed in the mornings: I wasn't working and my life didn't feel like it had a ton of "purpose". I've tried to abandon that idea and plan and fill my days with fun activities (even something as minor as a trip to Target, or a walk to Starbucks). This last week I haven't been that tired and I wanted to get out and do as many things as possible before my next treatment!

"Learn, laugh, love, smile, cry and dream. Care deeply. Don't hate. Mostly, though, laugh. Share the passion of life's grand adventure"

Can I eat this again?

I love days when Jeff is off. I take advantage by trying to get him to wake up at 6AM with me (he really loves that). We were excited to have a few days that didn't involve hospital visits, so we decorated our apartment for Christmas and had lunch by our place! I thought the quote on my place mat was very fitting.

 Salvation army Christmas concert with my aunt & family! Tradition.

Alas, on Wednesday, I had a rough one. I was tired. I had a sore throat (which I learned Thursday, is a common side effect of the flu shot! Which I had this week. Since my immune system is low, it's actually totally normal for me to get a bit sick from it). I was having some major hot flashes. My body hair started falling out, and then this morning my actual hair started coming out in clumps.

I was so hard on myself yesterday for not going out and crossing a bunch of activities off my to-do list. Instead, I laid in bed and listened to the ENTIRE Serial podcast. All 12 episodes. (Have any of you listened to it? I become obsessed fairly easily with TV shows, but this was the first time I've listened to a podcast. I loved Sarah's voice and diction. I found listening to someone speak totally relaxing. It's now made me super interested in trying out audiobooks!).

 This is what 14 hours in bed looks like. 

 I think part of me may have been nervous for my oncologist appointment which was Thursday afternoon. Thankfully, it's as if the universe knew I needed some GOOD news, and as some of you may know: I got back great news!

1) Since my side effects from the chemo were minimal the first time, it likely means I will have a fairly easy ("easy"..ha) time throughout the rest of the treatments. This means... I may escape chemo without any nausea! Woo. Let's keep our fingers crossed on this one.

2) The biopsy I had done on some lumps in my left breast came back as benign (TMI? If so, Sorry but...). Double woo! This may have an impact on the eventual surgery I choose to have.

3) My oncologist then asked me..so, is it working? I told him I wasn't sure. The tumour still felt fairly large to me. He measured it, and told me he'd have to disagree... that when he originally measured it, it was 10cm, and now it was 8cm. And, if you do the math: 10x10x10 = 1000... 8x8x8=512. This means, despite how I felt... it shrunk quite a bit with only one treatment! He smiled and told me to go  celebrate this Christmas because he couldn't have given me better news.

So, going into the weekend I'm super relieved (and also super in need of a wig). I think our mind gets the best of us sometimes: I tried to make myself feel guilty for not being active when in reality my body is fighting a major battle. Even though I feel better on the outside, my insides are fighting hard for me right now. A bed day may be what the doctor orders every once in awhile and I guess I accept that (I did hear the Real World just started up again... ).

Anyways, I have been spending SO much time clicking around the internet that I thought I'd share some interesting links to make your Saturday (and visit to this blog) all that much more interesting! (also, less cancer related... so much for not making this a cancer blog...)

Weekly (un)Wind:

-  How To Be Powerful, Likeable, and Female: This article talks about my favorite subject(s): women, the workplace, management style, and Jenna Lyons.
- Why Authors Don't Compete: this article by Seth Godin is awesome. "More reading is better than less reading, even if what's getting read isn't ours."
- This etsy shop makes all "miniature" doll sized, diorama friendly (amazingly adorable) accessories. Picture mini Harry Potter, mini Vogue, mini Ouijia board.The detail in them is crazy!
- My best friend is getting married this summer, so I've spent my fair share of time looking at wedding blogs. So far, this wedding is the most unique and fun I've seen yet!
- Also, if you're looking for some good book recommendations, this is Amazon's list of top books you should be reading in your lifetime (dated last February).
- Lastly, I have talked about one of my favorite blogs on here before, but A Beautiful Mess has been great with the holiday inspiration! I am obsessed with this Palm Springs gingerbread house, and these no bake oreo truffles (I just made them...they're amazing and so easy!)

Happy Saturday! (Now go listen to Serial if you haven't done so already)

xx

Sam

(fund)Raise: Cancer Awareness

 

Note: If you want to feel amazing about humankind, read on. However, it's going to be a long one. You have been warned! 
When my dad came to me and said that the Ottawa rugby community wanted to start a fundraiser for me, I said no automatically. No questions asked. Fundraisers are for people that can't take care of themselves.

When I went to my first oncologist appointment, Jeff and I started to realize this was getting serious. My doctor outlined all of my side effects: nausea, extreme exhaustion, short of breath, mouth sores, dry skin, hair loss... and you absolutely can. not. get. sick. This is the only life threatening side effect of chemo; your immune system is at an absolute low (chemo stops the regeneration of cells, so it not only kills cancer cells that are rapidly dividing, but it kills all healthy cells as well). A little cold and the dreaded winter flu can be potentially life threatening (Although I have always wanted to take an ambulance ride...kidding mom).

My oncologist then gave me a stack of prescriptions and sent me on my way. There were 4 different anti-nausea meds, a prescription for a wig, anti mouth sore meds, and Neulasta. Throw in some anti-anxiety medication and some sleeping pills and I'm ready for real chemical concoction! Sorry, body.

"Funny" story time:

As mentioned in previous posts, I happen to think I am invincible. In fact, some weeks I found myself working 60-70 hours a week (of my own doing), completely ignoring the e-mails regarding my benefits that were sent out repeatedly in my first month at my work.

Next thing I know, I'm being told I have cancer and I have absolutely no benefits. Being a large company, I can only opt into my benefits in April... every 2 years. Uh oh. 

Long story short: paying $25 a month for benefits that have no limits (meaning they pay for 80% of ALL my prescriptions no matter the cost) is SO WORTH IT. I am so lucky to have some incredible people on my side at my work who moved mountains and made miracles happen: next thing I know I'm signed up for benefits back dating to November 1st. Thank you to the book Gods!

Okay, back to the meds: Neulasta is a shot that I give myself (or in this case, my mom administers to me) after every chemo session (Okay, so not only do I have cancer, get hot flashes from menopausal side effects, but now I have to give myself needles? UGH). Neulasta dramatically increases my white blood cell count, boosting my immune system and reducing the risk of infection. We went to fill the prescription to find out it costs upwards of $2500 (x 6 chemo sessions). Again, thank you benefits. Then I go to shop for wigs, realizing they are also upwards of $1000. Factor in parking at the hospital and that sick leave EI will only kick in at 50% of my pay, and my rent coming out this week... and you can start to slowly see my face turn stark white.

Knowing my dad, he disregarded my message of "NO FUNDRAISING", and his friend Gary Thomas went ahead and set up a youcaring page for me with a goal $2500. I started to see it shared by my family on facebook. Mortified, I told everyone to delete it. I wanted nothing to do with this fundraiser. I hadn't even told all of my family and friends yet!

Then I started to see the amazing outpouring of support on the fundraising page; not only in donations but kind words and thoughts. I started receiving e-mails and facebook messages from other families that have been touched by breast or other forms of cancer, giving me tips and tricks to get through treatments. And next thing I knew, I hit the goal of $2500.

I decided to take to my Facebook and share a link to a blog that I found... it scared me, but also reassured me that I could get through this next year. When searching for others "like me" (that 0.4% of those that get breast cancer at 24) I found Nalie. We have the exact same story: diagnosed at 24, same cancer, varying treatments. We will both have gone through the highest forms of chemo, similar surgeries, and radiation. I found so much comfort watching her videos (comfort meaning I am scared sh*&tless, but atleast know what I'm in for! Knowledge is power). I posted the link to her blog hoping it would help my family and friends understand. Mainly, I wanted everyone to know so when they saw me at the grocery store without hair, it wouldn't be an awkward run-in. Ha.

Then came the messages and e-mails. Hundreds. Seriously. I woke up to 68 facebook messages the next day, and they just kept coming. I was receiving links to blogs, uplifting videos and quotes. Well wishes from friends from high school, teachers, friends of friends, parents, strangers. They all asked what they could to do help, asking I let them know how I'm doing. 

The Ottawa Rugby community is the most genuine group of people you could choose to know. When I was asked if I was "surprised" at the outpouring of support, I had to think, and said "no". I'm shocked, I'm overwhelmed, but surprised? No. These are people that have helped me move, helped my parents build a restaurant from the ground up; they support each other and are the most loving and sweet people you could meet. Next thing I know, Toronto rugby has shared my page, and the Canadian Rugby website wants to feature my story. Like I said: kind people.

I spoke with my doctors, Jeff, and multiple family members and friends about the idea behind fundraising. So many people want to help, want to give at a time of crisis, but didn't know how. Everyone at the hospital has been adamant about allowing yourself to receive support: remember it, and give it back later. So, I said fine. And then the fundraiser went viral.

As of right now, it has been shared 899 times and we have received $9000. Wow. I've been struggling with how you even begin to say "Thank You". So, in the plainest terms: Thank You. Jeff and I no longer have words to express how grateful we are.

I also have to tell the story about my friend (and possible guardian angel, if you believe in that sort of thing) Katrina. Katrina and I met as co-workers at my last job, and have continued to grow into close friends ever since. She has been one of the most downright hilarious and positive influences in my life. She is the kind of friend that will cry with you... but only for so long, until she gets down to the business of making you feel better. She calls to check in after every appointment. And, after she found out about my diagnosis, started planning events and raising money to help me keep living a "normal" life.

  

  

She held a pay-to-play flip-cup and beer pong tournament. She placed (adorable) donation boxes at her work, her parents work. Her wonderful boyfriend made up flyers and they put them in mailboxes all over the city, planning a major bottle drive. She posted about this bottle drive on lots of local Facebook groups, and the stories of support gave me goosebumps. She had women calling her, saying they did not live in any neighborhoods where they were canvassing, but could they please donate because the cause was close to their hearts. She had people who weren't home, but left money taped to the flyers for when they came by. They are still having people contact them, saying they will save their bottles throughout the holiday season. Katrina had everyone that donated write their names on paper angels for me, and put them all in a photo album for me to look at when times are hard (cue the ugly cries). It is likely the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. We had a pizza night where Katrina surprised me with the donations, and I was obviously shell-shocked. She had shopped and made me the ultimate care package: cozy socks, nice makeup, comfy sweatpants and sweatshirts: and of course, she isn't going to let me slum it for the next year: she got me a sparkly skirt and beautiful dress because even cancer patients need to dress up and have fun (laughing as I type that).  That, in pair with the donations collected (upwards of $1500), have yet again shown me the kindness of friends and friends of friends and strangers. (How many times can I say "kindness" in one blog post?)

  

While I bawled my eyes out at her generosity, Katrina just said to me: "You didn't ask to get sick. This is what people do when people get sick. I would hope someone would do this for me". Making it seem as if what she did was no big deal.  Because that's the kind of person she is.

So what do you say when friends, family, and strangers show you this sort of generosity? Honestly, Jeff and I are at a loss for words. Thank you will never be enough.

So, instead, this is what I plan to do:

We are going to open a bank account that the funding will go in to. This account will strictly be for medical expenses.

1) This will help cover the medical costs incurred that are not covered by my insurance.

2) This will help me get a fabulous wig and some cute scarves to help keep me super warm this winter!

3) This will allow Jeff and I to continue to independently live in our apartment. This has meant SO much to us. My apartment is the coziest place I have ever lived, and I was so sad at the idea of having to give it up. So, for that, thank you x a million.

4) There will be costs around my surgery, so this will help with all clothing tailored around the surgery that I will have to purchase.

5) Any "ghost" costs, including parking at the hospital, wages lost from my mom taking time off work etc.

6) Lastly, if my genetics test come back positive, this will mean that my family may have to decide to undergo preventative surgeries, where there may be costs to them that are unexpected. This will also help cover this.

Anything additional and leftover, I can assure you, I will reinvest back into the community. I have been doing intensive research into the CBCF, and due to the complete shock of my diagnosis, I plan to do some work with them regarding breast cancer awareness.

Jeff said to me about a week ago: "Hey! You haven't cried in so long!". And I thought...how can I cry? How can I even be sad? I am surrounded by so much love, so much kindness: from my immediate family all the way to the outreach of complete strangers! While there is so much focus on all the "bad" that is happening out there, I have witnessed an incredible display of selflessness within my own community. People are good. In times of crisis, people reach out with stories of hope. People remind you of their love for you in the most sensational ways. If my life were to end tomorrow (theoretically..because, like I would let that happen), I wouldn't be devastated, I would be so happy. Going into Christmas (and my next treatment) I am so grateful for all the wonderful humans all around me. Love to you all!

xx

Sam