5 Ways To Handle A Quarantine

Rethink Breast Cancer

I have started this post so many times. First, it was a look at the downward spiral COVID-19 is bringing to the whole world. Then, it was about how unfair the Coronavirus is on cancer patients. Lastly, I made a “funny” post detailing how hard it was for everyone to live the quarantine life - one that I’m very familiar to.

None of them felt right. I felt like I was over-exaggerating, feeding into the fear mongering. I felt as if I was looking for pity, screaming “Don’t forget about cancer!” during a global pandemic. Being funny seemed wrong; it wasn’t the time or place to feel satisfied with a big ol’ “I told you so!”.

A couple of days ago Jeff asked me if he should still post his pictures of new beer he was carrying on Instagram (@beeratbrowns).He posted a poll asking if his viewers thought it was insensitive and the answer was an overwhelming NO - anything to take my mind off of March 2020 PLEASE!

The best way to describe how I’m feeling right now is happy, sad, and worried all at the same time. It’s how I’ve felt the better part of 4.5 years. It’s likely how most of you are feeling now. 

Everyone is affected; you’ve been laid off, you are elderly, your parents are elderly, can I still walk my dog? My kids are driving me crazy! Amazon workers have the virus?! I can’t eat Chinese food anymore! My massage was cancelled? HOW WILL WE COOK FOR EASTER?! Stay home! Stay home! Should I make my own mask? “My ratings are higher then the finale of the Bachelor!!!!!”. 

You are being asked to work HARDER under dangerous circumstances. You are afraid and lonely and doing your best. 

I’m not going to make this about cancer. Just some things I’ve learned after spending a lot of time alone. Mistakes I’ve made so that you don’t have to make them.

I don’t have kids. I don’t go to the gym or excercise (like at all) (even before cancer). My life is way different then yours. I’m just speaking from my own experience. 

When you’re alone for hours on end, it’s hard to quiet your mind. Your brain jumps to things you could be accomplishing with all of this time, the dread of getting up to another day of nothing, and instead of doing anything, mindlessly scrolling. 

By the time your day has ended you’ve had way too much time to think about what a failure you are - unproductive with your time. You should be doing online yoga, enhancing your cooking skills, cleaning out the graveyard of hair products under your bathroom sink! You should be saving hundreds of dollars (the need for a Nintendo Switch was real though!), and less time worrying about how your artificial nails are going to grow out and watching YouTube videos of stylish quarantine haircuts. 

Mood swings are normal when your mind goes from Netflix (Carole Baskin fed her husband to the tigers), to craving someone new to talk to, a change of scenery, and thinking about your inevitable death all in an 8 hour span of time. 

Being at home is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. 

It caused me years of depression, anxiety, hopelessness and self hatred.

It still does, some days. I told Jeff yesterday that I wasn’t feeling good. Those are the words I use when I can’t describe how I’m feeling or where it’s all coming from. I can talk to my parents on the phone like normal and then hang up and have a break down. 

It sounds great to stay at home every day! 

I’ll write a bestseller, get perfect skin with all of those facemasks I’ll be applying, read all of the books, do all of the things! 

No, you won’t. 

I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to be unproductive sometimes. Even though you have this time, it doesn’t need to be filled. Sometimes taking care of yourself and others means having a nap or eating a bag of chips (I know this isn’t just me). I can’t say this without saying that 75% of the time I don’t abide by these rules. I make myself feel like shit all the time, then I flip on Animal Crossing and I forget what I was worried about to begin with. 

My problem was/is not having a routine. You probably feel that way too. Eating all the time because your meals aren’t structured. Or forgetting to eat, next thing you know it’s 6PM and you’ve only had 2 girl guide cookies and haven’t been outside in two days.

Let me speed up the stay-at-home process for you: 

1) Do not put daily pressure on yourself to be productive.

This doesn’t mean give in to laziness. It means it’s ok to lie on the couch browsing Pinterest for an hour. Balance!!

2) Do not get consumed with all of the negative news

The Ottawa Hospital has something called “My Chart”, where you can access all of your scans and results. I have never ever logged in. 

That’s how I’m able to function. I put severe blinders on. I’m happy to let my health care team tell me what I need to do in exchange for results that will tell me if my cancer is “bigger” or “smaller”. I don’t want detail. When I was newly diagnosed I stayed up until 3AM reading about the life expectancies of breast cancer and had a panic attack. I never googled it again. 

I know this is uncommon, and likely some are thinking how this is negligent, not taking my health into my own hands. I know myself though, and I would get caught in the doom and gloom. I would not be able to separate the overwhelming statistics from leading a good life. 

I’m not saying don’t watch the news. I’m just saying be careful on what you consume. Be mindful of  your mental health. Don’t give in to the person who assures you THEY would never let poisonous chemo into their bodies. They will juice it away! 

Have you tried drinking Alkaline water? (@thecancerpatient)

(Be sure you’re getting your information from legitimate sources (Nancy on Facebook is not a legitimate source) ). 

3) Be mindful when it comes to your diet

Again. Chips. Bagels. Mini donuts. Hot Cheetos. Some of my all time favourite things! 

One time I was staying overnight in the hospital after my last craniotomy and I had slept in chunks of chocolate I had dropped in the bed. The next morning the nurses laughed it off (luckily) knowing it’s was chocolate and not feces. 

In that instant it was okay to binge though - have YOU ever had a craniotomy?! 

Just kidding. You’re allowed to eat snacks. I went overboard for a while thinking all bets were off though when I started staying at home. You pay for it later. With lack of exercise that you normally have, try to adjust for it. Some days are for sour cream and onion chips, some days are for smoothies and long walks (to the end of the driveway). 

4) Get out of bed

This can be synonymous with stop mindlessly scrolling. Stop having anxiety naps. Have the will to get up, get dressed. It may feel like a novelty to video chat without wearing pants, but you still need to prioritize your feeling of self worth. 

I have gone days without looking in a mirror or having a shower. There’s been plenty of days where Jeff has gotten home at 5 and I’m in bed, not having turned any lights on. 

I use the ‘excuse’ that I have cancer (or, for you, quarantining) a lot. That’s fair. We are all going through an unprecedented, weird-ass time. I will tell you though (and my future self in this position) that getting up, showering and taking care of your basic needs has. to. be. a. priority. 

I have never regretted getting up and going. 

 5) Talk to your family, often. 

I talk to my parents and sister every day. 

I have my immediate family. My aunt, my grandmothers, my best friends. I have online friends, work friends, book friends - all those people I now consider my family. They’re always checking in on me. It’s important to reach out to them as well. Especially when you don’t want to. (Talking can mean texting too! I don’t talk to anyone other then Mavvy most days, but I feel just as close to everyone!)

You’ll likely lose touch with some people as well under this isolation. That’s ok. They were just convenient acquaintances anyways.

And an extra!!!!*

Take your medication at the same time each day. 

Your routine is disrupted. You’re used to taking it in the morning at 7AM, on your way to work.

Your routine is disturbed. You’re used to taking it at 9:30PM, but now you’re up past one and you’ve forgotten it altogether.

Tomorrow is a bad day. You can’t wake up. The world is dreary. You skip breakfast to fall back asleep. You get up to go to the washroom and feel guilt that your dog hasn’t been out. You can’t make the effort, though. You just feel so down. You skip your morning medication because you’re out of it. Did you eat dinner? You have less energy because of the lack of food.

Sound familiar?

This was basically two years of my life. It is a never ending circle. You lose track of what day it is. 

Just trust me. You don’t want to go through this. Do the right thing. Take your meds on time. 

* This won’t apply to everyone, but if it does: this is my most important piece of advice. 

peopleiveloved

In the end, I’m not going to tell you that I am the perfect quarantine-er. It felt icky to write things for you to aspire to when I knew them not to be true myself. 

I think the biggest takeaway is treat your mental health the exact same as your physical health. At a time when it’s so easy to get lost in your own head - reach out to loved ones, be mindful of your eating, force yourself get out of bed, don’t worry so much about your productivity (chase what makes you happy instead!), and turn off CNN. 

Dare I say it?

We’re... all.. in this.. together!

xx

Sam

(un)Known: Am I Going To Die? (+ also less morbid talk about passion projects + hair obsessions)

I'm back!

And I have more to say then I did in my last post. I'm sorry (and also not sorry) for that. I'm trying to apologize less. In a good way! Just apply a little less pressure on myself and do what feels right. I needed a little break to unwind after treatment #3 and the holidays, but now I am forewarning you (yet again), that this is a massively long post! If you're down for making that commitment, grab a tea and settle in.

Chemo number 3 has treated me really, really well. It has been the easiest one to endure by far. I have a few theories on this...

1) I prepared like CRAZY this time. I made no plans the day before, I went for a delicious brunch the morning of, and I made sure I did not go into this appointment tired.

2) I draped myself in every single "good luck" charm, necklace, cross, article of clothing and pendant that has been given to me throughout this entire journey. Although I must have looked a  bit ridiculous, I didn't care.

3) Throughout my treatment this time, I spent a lot of time focusing on healing. I'm not completely sure if this works, but heck - why not try. I closed my eyes and focused on my tumour growing smaller. I repeated to myself, over and over and over: 6 cm. It will be six centimeters.

I was feeling off for about a week, but this time, the day after I was able to get up and walk to the coffee shop with my mom. I didn't sleep much, and I was a little out of it, but I also wasn't sick so that is a win to me. It's like being in a haze. Last Tuesday I woke up, and it is really out of nowhere... the haze is lifted. Since then, I'm just taking advantage of feeling good until I go in for my next treatment. Here's a few highlights:

  Squeezing in time together before work. Brunch is our specialty. I also got quite a few laughs out of my new trending hashtag: #lumberjeff

 Birthday dinner for Jeff's dad at the Keg 

Day after chemo and I am up and walking! And eating snacks.

 Chemo groceries.

So here's the real reason I deleted my last post. I have a really hard time talking about the "red" chemo drug they give me (also called epirubicin). When I got to the point in my last post where I started talking about my chemo, I erased the entire post. That's how bad it was. It's not that it makes me feel nauseous while it's being administered, but when I was sick the second round, all that came up was... red. Sorry for that graphic. Now, when it comes to thinking or talking of chemo, I absolutely cringe. Almost 2 weeks later, I still have a hard time with it. It was hard to sit there, seeing it dripping into me, so while the red drug was being administered, I focused on healing instead.

Epirubicin. My enemy. (Note: I found this picture on the internet but wanted you to have a cringeworthy visual).

Healing has been the theme of chemo #3. I have had so many people tell me what they think will heal me. I've read all the stories: the man who juiced his cancer away, the power of water, the power of various spices, what you should and shouldn't eat.

My mom told me a story that I originally didn't think much of, but ended up being the one that stuck with me the most. She had a woman come into the restaurant that told her that she too was fighting breast cancer. She told my mom that she repeatedly thanked her breasts and kissed them - that's how grateful she was to them. She was grateful her cancer was found in her breasts, where she was able to feel it, catch it and notice it before it was too late. I immaturely laughed at the visual of kissing your boobs. But, I have thought a lot about this story since then.

I have met quite a few people so far that have told me they didn't catch their cancer until it was too late. A lot of times, with cancer in other parts of the body, there are no real side effects until it gets too far. My cancer doesn't hurt me, but the lump I found was more then noticeable. This allowed me to seek out all the necessary treatments and now I have a really positive diagnosis. For others I've met, they aren't as lucky. So, I've decided I'm choosing to be grateful for my cancer: I'm grateful it was detected early, I'm grateful we have drugs that allow me to live a somewhat normal life during my treatments, I'm grateful for my body and it's ability to tell me that something was wrong.

I'm talking about this story now, because it's helped me get through a very real side of getting diagnosed that I haven't spoken about yet on my blog. That is the total paralyzing fear that comes with cancer.

I have received so many e-mails and messages at this point applauding me for my positive attitude and it's true: cancer isn't my life. I am so much more then my cancer. I still do normal things. But, I'd be lying to you if sometimes at 3AM I didn't have a good cry that came out of a place of total fear.

When I found out I had cancer, I immediately thought: Am I going to die?

I think this is a pretty common reaction. And, sometimes, it can't help but creep into your thoughts. Will this be the thing that kills me in the end? Even when this is all over, am I going to wake up every day and think, is today the day the cancer comes back? This time, will my prognosis not be as positive?

I spend a lot of time alone (secretly, I love it! So much time to read and craft and colour!). Recently, I've spent a whole lot of this time thinking and reflecting: on my work, my relationships, my life as a whole. Recently, I can't stop thinking: Who else gets a wonderful opportunity like this at the age of 24 to take a year off and really prepare to have a truly fresh start?

I have obviously contemplated the question of "Why me?" as in: Why did I have to get cancer? I'm pretty healthy. Why me? But more recently, I can't stop thinking: Why do I get to have this fresh start? I get to make changes to my life I would never have had the opportunity to make in my old life.

I'm going to be honest with you and myself. I wasn't taking my life in a good direction before this past November. I was working 65 hours a week. And, trust me, this is not Chapters standard. At my last job, working for the salon, I worked similar hours. At first I thought it was the job, and when it happened again at Chapters I realized... it was me. And, I didn't really see it as a problem. Everyone was concerned about me: I was voluntarily working 9PM-9AM for a full month (no, not the other way around: overnights!). No one was asking me to work these hours, and in fact, one time my boss actually told me: Sam, there is no pride in working these hours. You don't need to do this to impress anyone.

Truth is, I wasn't doing it for a promotion. I don't even think I was doing it out of desire for perfection. I just truly love working.  I get really, really invested in my jobs and I'm really passionate about business, growing people and creating dynamic teams, figuring out how to make things work efficiently. I'm lucky I get to do something I'm really passionate about every day. In fact, when they ask me to think of my "happy place" before I go for particularly stressful procedures at the hospital, I close my eyes and put together book tables and displays in my head. Some may find that sad, but I find it really relaxing and I consider myself really lucky.

But, my life was NOT a full, well rounded life. All of the above sounds great, but here was the reality: I ate Starbucks for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was working 5:30-4:30PM most regular days. My health suffered because of this and so did my bank account. I was ALWAYS exhausted... like so exhausted, I would have nervous breakdowns. It got to the point where those extra hours I was working weren't productive: I was too tired to be productive. My relationships suffered: when I wasn't working, I was responding to e-mails, calling my work to check in, talking about my work. I wasn't really "present". Jeff suffered most from this, naturally. I could count some days where I did not drink ANY water: my skin suffered so badly for this. I was breaking out like crazy. I was gaining weight, and ultimately, I wasn't actually very happy.

In retrospect, I think I was on the fast track to becoming a workaholic. And I got mad when anyone told me that: I thought they weren't supportive, and that's how business "is".

I see now how that was not sustainable. I would not have been able to work like that forever, but I wasn't planning on stopping any time soon. I worked so hard I let my health card expire, and I let my then (very small) tumour go unchecked for months. We all know how the rest of the story goes.

When I was talking to the Ottawa Sun, they asked me what my hobbies were: what did I like to do? I was like uh, well. I like to work? That's generally when I knew something was wrong.

I have a point to this, I promise I will tie it all together! Since I've gotten sick, I've had a couple huge eye openers.

Hobbies are fun. I thought to myself once, a few months ago, on a day off: what do people even do when they aren't working? Well.. they scrapbook, they learn a new craft, they take enjoyment in cooking and taking care of their bodies, they excercise, they spend time with their boyfriends and watch movies and read books. A whole big life out there I have been missing out on!

When I think to myself: Am I going to die? I try to counteract it with, I could die in a bus accident tomorrow. I could fall off my balcony. There is always the risk of dying, cancer or not, and the truth is: If I am going to die, what do I want to do before that time comes? (Side note: I'm obviously not going to die anytime soon, duh. I need to go to Disney World atleast 6 more times before then. But, you get what I'm saying).

In this article, a nurse writes down the top 5 regrets that she heard most commonly from the dying. What was among them? "I wish I hadn't worked so hard". Dying has become a reality to me. If I died tomorrow, do I really want it to be following a 65 hour work week with bad skin and having eaten a Starbucks roasted ham breakfast sandwich as my last supper? (I mean they're good, but they're not THAT good).

So, I'm pretty grateful for my cancer. I'm grateful that I found it early, that it's given me a chance to re-evaluate my life and stopped me before things really spiraled out of control. It sounds lame to say "everything happens for a reason" but I think it's true. It's made Jeff and I's relationship so strong, and I have spent more time with my family then I have in years. I learned to weave and I've set my goal on Goodreads to read 40 books this year. I also realized I really like writing this blog!

When I realized how much I liked writing this blog, I actually started researching passion projects. I want to make sure that when I do go back to work, I am able to find a better work/life balance. I need to make a commitment and habit that I can not break, something I can be as equally as passionate about as I am with my work. A passion project is something outside of your work you do that is something you love: some people decide to volunteer, others just put aside an hour or two to paint, write, or read. Some people take on bigger projects: starting a blog, a book club, etc. It can look a lot like a side business, or turn into one, but in the beginning it should be something that you want to do: not something you need to do. It's fulfilling our inner desires to create and have something to show for our time. It's also a great way to make friends too (a topic I have spoken about with many people now: after high school, how in the heck do you make friends outside of work?!)

I've made a list of a few bigger projects I want to start. With the growing audience made up of you guys - lovely readers of my blog - I've found it really exciting that I can reach so many people while sitting in my living room. I love sharing, writing, and communicating with like minded people. I still can't get over how many cool and interesting people this blogging experience has allowed me to "meet" (e-mail and message with mostly!) so far.

What my days look like.

Naturally, my first instinct was to start a book club. I'm not sure if it would be a club where we actually meet, or something we could do online. I just know I love books, and spend a lot of my time researching what book to read next (as well as keeping informed on what books are up and coming, I can thank my job for this). Secondly, I was thinking of how nice it would be to have something to DO in the evenings that could include my friends and family. Then I started thinking how it would be awesome to have some sort of craft club. I know that I would love to learn to crochet, knit, embroider... I would love to learn to make terrariums, perfumes, and indulge in all of my other DIY projects on Pinterest that I just can't seem to find the time to complete. I feel like this would be a fun way to get everyone I love together, and learn a new skill at the same time.

How I spend my time: colour coding my bookshelves (amongst other things)

Would you be interested in doing something like this with me? Am I crazy? Do you have any ideas for passion projects - or do you have one for yourself? Do you find that it helps you lead a richer life? Comment below or let me know here :)

Now, I wanted to take the time to share where the inspiration for this above post came from. I had lunch with one of my friends, Lindsay, this week. To fully understand the impact of what she has done for me, you need the back story:

Lindsay and I worked as co-managers (she worked managing a salon in Orleans, mine Bayshore). We've kept in touch since we both left the salon (she works for Nordstrom now! So exciting). We bonded over hair care and she is easily one of the funniest and nicest people you could meet. You can't help but be a little bit jealous of Lindsay: nice, smart, and drop dead gorgeous. On top of all of this, what I could never get over is her HAIR. Lindsay has THE nicest hair I have ever seen. She could sell a hair product just by saying "This is what I'm using" and people were sold. It is long, brunette, shiny, strong, healthy, and holds any and all hairstyles: curly, straight, you name it.

My best friend jokes with me all the time how my wig is actually nicer and thicker then my own hair, and part of me is excited to see how it will look when it grows out (after having platinum hair, no matter what I used, my hair was so brittle. Shaving it is like another fresh start for me!)

So, I have major hair envy of Lindsay. In the beginning, I texted her and told her my diagnosis and said: "I can only hope my hair grows back more beautiful then yours".

When I got in the car with her this past Saturday, I saw her and the FIRST thing I looked at was her hair: It was in a ponytail and it was SHORT! I immediately thought: Lindsay got on the "Lob" (long bob) train all the celebrities are doing. She looked at me and said, "Well, because you noticed right away...."and gave me this:

As we hung out in the afternoon, she told me the story of her fundraiser she held for me over Christmas.

Lindsay and her friends from her graduating class (about 50) always get together for a potluck. Lindsay messaged everyone in advance, saying she was doing a fundraiser and in turn, she would be cutting off her hair to donate. She told me she was sort of uncomfortable at first about asking her friends for money right around Christmas, and she wasn't sure how it would turn out. She set her goal at $1000. She figured if everyone donated 5-10 dollars that it would be a good start. She started getting messages from friends saying they were sending her $100. When she held the party, she started to notice many of her friends selflessly putting in $20 into her box. Someone came over to her and said: Lindsay, I think you're going to be close to your goal after tonight. One thing she told me that stuck was that "the act of giving was contagious. Once they saw others doing it, everyone was so willing to make a donation". I find this is totally true and we've seen it on grand scales (ALS Ice bucket challenge, etc). It makes you feel good and like you're a part of something bigger then just yourself.

Is it possible she's MORE beautiful with short hair? 11 inches chopped and ready to be donated! Funny story: Lindsay brought the hair with her to our lunch date so I could play with it before we donated it. She seriously knows me so well: this was my dream come true. Creepy? Maybe...

She raised $600 in one night. After that, she shared her story with family and they made up the difference very quickly. Even after she had made her goal, she had a friend donate $50: making the grand total $1050. (I also have to mention Lindsay also sold her ENTIRE OPI nail polish collection on Kijiji and included that in her donation as well. Let's just say at one point in our salon lives we were huge nail polish junkies so I was very touched by this!)

When she gave me the envelope, part of me wanted to cry, but I was too happy. I was also completely shocked: when Lindsay messaged me saying she wanted to "show" me something, I thought I was going to get a little sneak peek of the insides of the new Nordstrom or something. I wasn't expecting this at all. Being overwhelmed also cued an immediate hot flash and we drove to lunch with our windows down (thanks for being a good sport in the -30 degree weather Linds..ha).

I will likely never get to meet or thank everyone that helped support Lindsay and myself, but if you're reading this: Thank you. You are a fantastic person. I am so grateful for you!

Working retail together and coming from similar backgrounds, I feel like Lindsay and I relate well to each other. She listened to me rant on about my work and we shared stories of what we were doing now. It was during that conversation, talking it all out, that I realized most of the above: I mean, I knew my working habits were unsual, but it wasn't until that moment, saying it all out loud, I realized I may have a problem.

So.. Lindsay helped me out in more ways then she may have expected: taking a year off sounds good on paper, but sometimes, it can be frustrating. When I confided about how awkward I felt accepting donations from others, we talked a lot about paying it forward and how the way I affected and treated those in my pre-cancer life is what has brought all of this overwhelming support. She made me feel like I still have value, even though some days I'm stuck sitting on my couch. We talked quite a bit about my diagnosis (sometimes I can't help it), and she made me feel like I had the power to say "no" to situations I didn't want to be a part of and that there was more to my life then just working. I'm seriously lucky and blessed with some pretty amazing friends. When Lindsay is rich and famous, this is me publicly saying: I was friends with her first!

Okay, time to wrap up. I go for my next treatment on February 3rd (time is flying), and my oncologist appointment is this upcoming Thursday to discuss how I am "doing" in regards to me chemo. I still have a lot to say about genetics, fertility, health and diet... but this post has gone on long enough! We'll save that for next time. ;)

 Last but not least, the happiest part of my past weekend. Sporadic jam session at the bagel shop by my apartment. Now I'm obsessed with traditional folk music: doesn't it just make you smile?! (I also want to marry the man with the dreadlocks. Don't worry, I told Jeff this already. Maybe we can pull a Sister Wives or something? ... KIDDING).

xx

Sam

weekly (un)wind: goodbye, summer

(a beautiful august wedding)

I know I sound like someone that should be quoted on shit girls say, but this summer has gone by so quickly.

Summer has always been my favorite season. My worst nightmare is bulky clothing and itchy sweaters. I should really move somewhere that's hot year round. I was hoping for an Indian summer that lasted until late September, but the weather lately has been the complete opposite!

I'll always remember this summer as a season that stretched me to my limits, work-wise. Even though I can place a lot of pressure and be very hard on myself, I love to see my personal growth. 
                  

(date nights w/ jeff, boat rides & a brand new book from my favorite bloggers) 

 

Outside of work, I am so happy I had the opportunity this summer to take a getaway to Toronto, see a couple amazing concerts, spend the day at a cottage with some of my closest friends, and have endless valencia oranges at Starbucks with Jeff.

 

(beach reads)

A perfect summer wedding, decorating my place in bright pops of colour, eating my weight (and maybe more..) in sushi, reading a few great (and not-so-great) books, "blurred lines", and my new tattoo will always remind me of summer 2013.

Jeff loves fall, and I have to say that I'm excited to have nice hair again - ugh, humidity. Ever since I've been out of school, I still see the start of September as a time for getting back to routine.

                        (project life - my new scrapbook! having fun remembering the details from the last few months.)

One of my best friends was talking about her personal goals now that she's finished university. I place a lot of focus on my work, and I would like to find a better work/life balance and achieve some of my personal goals. Some are silly, and some are things that have been on my list for a long time. Maybe one day I'll share them here!

Coming from someone that has never been able to keep a personal agenda for more then a month, I really want a way to keep myself motivated. This seems easy enough - make a concrete list, cross it off when something gets done. We'll see how I do!

What's on your list of "goals" this fall? 

Sam

Finding (balance)

I haven't updated in over a week. I vowed to myself in the beginning that this would be my creative outlet, and not another source of stress or pressure I put upon myself. Yet, when life got in the way and I couldn't write, I had this nagging feeling. You failed. You didn't upkeep your schedule. You aren't doing enough.

 We are all our own worst critic. Sitting on the couch, watching TV and eating pizza after a long day, I gave myself a hard time. Maybe you should be cleaning up your place! Couldn't you be doing something more productive?

 I want to put that voice to rest and say, to you, and mainly to myself: I love sharing. Yet, if I can't keep a schedule, then we can all assume that life has gotten a bit hectic. It happens to the best of us. And sometimes the best way to be "productive" is to let your body and mind have a rest and watch 6 episodes of The Real World on MTV. Oops. 

So, let's play a bit of catch up:

 

You know that feeling when the book gods come together and put a novel in front of you that you can completely relate to? One that reads exactly what you need to hear in that patricular moment? That's become Slow Love by Dominique Browning for me. Pictured above is a quote from a chapter midway through. With Spring, I hope to continue to breathe deeply and see clearly. 

With Spring turning into Summer, I also plan on renewing my Martha Stewart Living subscription. There is still nothing better then getting excited and running to the mailbox!

 

It's likely a given, but I love to support small businesses. I love to hear success stories. In Barrhaven, a small suburb in Ottawa, we recently had an adorable cupcake shop open around the corner from my place. I can imagine I'll be frequenting it a lot this summer! Yum.

 

I also managed to squeeze in a sushi date with mom!

 

Fridays happen to be my payday. A dangerous time. I've had the week to plan what my "fun" purchase is going to be in my head. Then, for the rest of the pay period, I force myself to be good. Whilst making mental notes of what I'm going to buy next. I think I have a problem. Aren't the polish colours adorable though?

 

I have lots of links and ideas lingering in the back of my mind. I also have lots of exciting news to share. So, until next time.

Happy Wednesday! xx