2020
2019 was a strange year. If my screen time did a year in review, I almost certainly would have spent a large chunk of it on my phone. Now - I don’t hate that. I read and listen to audiobooks on my iPad, message friends all day when I’m alone and the only person that hears my voice is Mavvy. I call my parents and my sister nearly every day. I’ve gathered a ton of inspiration and jotted down notes of things I want to complete but didn’t start. This year I want to start.
Before I tell you all about my hopeful plans for 2020, I thought I would do a 2019 recap. I can barely remember what I did in the last week anymore, so this year has been a blur. Recapping a decade?! Trust me, I was going to try but I don’t need that kind of anxiety in my life!
After saying to friends “All I know is that in 2019 I did nothing” (ha), I was reminded that the year wasn’t bad at all.
2020 Mood
Life
I went on a trip in February, saw more then a few shows, celebrated weddings and in August, I started brainstorming my ideas for what was going to be my new fundraiser; Turning the Page on Cancer.
It was my purpose to get out of bed. I woke up to an alarm, eager to get started. It ended up being overwhelming, sometimes stressful, so much fun and reminded me why in my life, I have always kept busy. Although this time, I still watched Netflix and spent time with Jeff. No workaholic tendencies here. Balance. A huge achievement for me.
Looking back, I remember after the fundraiser I didn’t feel the gratification. I felt my donation to the Canadian Cancer Society was BIG to me, but would be a small amount to them. On reflection, I realized that while I desperately wanted to work towards a cure for Metastatic Breast Cancer, I started feeling that what I was doing wasn’t going to make a difference. You know the - “one man can’t change the world” quote? This fundraiser was more then that though. It was seeing all of my friends, family and acquaintances (even strangers!) from every corner of my life come together. From book donations (my place became a sea of book boxes!), to great events with everyone generously donating their time to volunteer and join my team, raising funds for a cause that means so much to me, and in turn, means so much to them. We raised over $20 000 dollars after I set my original goal for $5000. This is something to be proud of and not only will it help make a difference, we spoke to so many and educated them on Stage IV. Next year I hope to make it bigger and better, start earlier. For now though, I’m still coasting and taking a break.
2020 - I’d like to stop doing this
Cancer
I started the year on a new Zymeworks trial. I ended up failing the drug in but I was grateful that it granted me more time. I spent a lot of this time overly anxious as communication on a trial (so I thought) was sparse and I regularly felt I was a number, not a person.
In March I started Tykerb and Xeloda, both take home chemo drugs that come in pill form. They treated me terribly in the beginning, until I found the right dose. I travelled with a barf bag everywhere I went and if we weren’t close enough to a bathroom - I wasn’t going! I stayed on these drugs until November. By the end the sight of them made me nauseous. Even though I had figured out the right dose, the side effects less severe over time, I felt like my life revolved around taking pills 3 times a day. I was getting sick most mornings and I was so tired (although now I wonder, was I tired or was it anxiety and a hint of depression?). I would sleep in late and take the doses at different times each day. I lost my sense of taste and smell so food wasn’t interesting to me, nor a priority. I would take the drugs on an empty stomach, trying to cram them all into my increasingly shorter days. The day I learned I had failed this drug, I was devastated (this was my fault. I begged to try again. This time I wouldn’t take my life for granted). In all honesty though, I felt a sense of relief. I didn’t know what options I had anymore, but I knew I couldn’t continue on this drug.
In May I fell and from that learned that a lesion in my brain was acting up. I went on steroids to try and shrink the necrosis (dead cells that have been zapped from radiation, taking up space. Equally as dangerous as an actual tumour) and when it didn’t, I had my second craniotomy in June. Brain surgery - and I was awake the whole time! No anesthesia. I will tell you, it wasn’t scary at all and since I wasn’t lucid what was a 6 hour surgery felt like minutes! I was out of the hospital within a day. Isn’t that crazy?
In December I started SYD985, another trial. It came at a time when I was sure I was out of options and (so far) it has been kind to me. I will take the weekly appointments across the city any day. It’s showing promise in other patients which leaves me excited. I had my second round on December 23rd and I said to my Mom earlier that day - I need caffeine pills, this holiday is leaving me EXHAUSTED. Turns out, there was a reason for that. My blood (hemoglobin for cancer nerds) had dropped to 79, and I needed a blood transfusion. They couldn’t fit me in before Christmas and I mistakenly sipped a drink (which my Onc said not to.. Him: “Do cocaine instead!” Me: “I already do enough drugs”) and fell asleep before dinner.
I got it the transfusion on Friday and feel more energetic. I have a couple mouth sores making it hard to eat and sensitive gums! My eyes are dry and a bit bloodshot (which gets worse) so I’m skipping eye makeup for the most part. We’ll see if I feel like ruining the first bit of 2020 risking it for tonight!!
I got it the transfusion on Friday and feel more energetic. I have a couple mouth sores making it hard to eat and sensitive gums! My eyes are dry and a bit bloodshot (which gets worse) so I’m skipping eye makeup for the most part. We’ll see if I feel like ruining the first bit of 2020 risking it for tonight!!
Books
This year, I read 35 books. It was the year I started becoming really into audio books. I re-read Agatha Christie’s classic “And Then There Were None”, incredible fiction like “Normal People” and “The Tattooist of Aushwitz”, and some thrillers like “The Silent Patient” and “My Lovely Wife”. For me, though, it was a year for non fiction; eye opening pieces like “Radium Girls” and “Five Days at Memorial” to Jonathan and Tan’s books (from Queer Eye!).
That being said, my favorites that I read this year were...
Becoming - Michelle Obama
Daisy Jones and The Six - Taylor Jenkins Reid
Dear Girls - Ali Wong
Know My Name - Chanel Miller
I listened to Becoming and Dear Girls, they were read by Michelle and Ali themselves. It gives the book so much personality and context this way.
I also listened to Daisy Jones. Narrated by all the different characters made it unique, however friends that have read it give no less then 5 stars either.
Lastly, Know My Name is written by Chanel Miller, the girl found in the center of the Brock Miller case. This is a book that needs to be read so you can highlight quotes and re-read sections over and over.
Music
This wasn’t a great year for music. Just being honest. I discovered a love for 70’s music and listened to a lot of old favorites. This was what I was most excited about released in 2019:
In case any of you were wondering where Jeff’s list was, he said overall in 2019 their weren’t any albums he loved but I suspect it has more to do with prioritizing laying on the couch watching Netflix :).
This is where it gets tricky. Yesterday I chose to make a best of the decade playlist (*clown emoji*). I then thought I should have a pop based playlist and an alt/indie playlist. In the end I mashed it all together and in fear of getting judged, I made it private and chose not to post. Here we are, though, and I’m unashamed to tell you my decade was ruled by Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga (Fame Monster). Yes I know it was released in November 2009 but it defined and ruled 2010, so it’s included. I know I am the only person who still likes Maroon 5 as well. This is my blog and my playlist though!!
I also made the hard decision of Best Song of the Decade and Best Album. In my opinion. OPINION. Okay?!
BEST SONG
“God is a Woman” - Ariana Grande. This song embodies what this decade was all about - the emergence of GIRL POWER. It’s an anthem. It slays when it comes to aesthetic. I will never get sick of it. Also, can we remember this performance please?
BEST ALBUM
Golden Hour - Kacey Musgraves
Her humble upbringing infused in all her music makes Kacey relatable. She’s hilarious, my personal style icon, throws around swear words and won’t be defined musically (originally Golden Hour wouldn’t be played under Pop or Country). Seeing her live, in an arena or small venue, is always intimate, her band is just as great as her and her personality oozes. I heard Follow Your Arrow for the first time when something clicked. Golden Hour is a traditional more “grown-up” version of the same message. One we need to bring into 2020. Accept everyone as they are. Give love. Be open with your feelings.
Oh, what a world, I don’t want to leave, there’s all kinds of magic, it’s hard to believe
Ivy and Channel Orange (Frank Ocean) Body Talk (Robyn), Bahamas (Earthtones), Red (Taylor Swift), Anti (Rihanna), Born To Die (Lana Del Ray) and the 20/20 Experience (Justin Timberlake) were all contenders too!
Goodbye to the 10’s
I made a few personal resolutions I’m going to try and stick to:
1 - Set a bed time. Not a get in bed time and go on my phone and listen to my book. A time to actually sleep. I’m always up until the crack of dawn because I have “nothing to do tomorrow”.
2 - Get up earlier. Right now I don’t set an alarm. I usually sleep late into the day after going to bed late. I used to use the excuse that I was a night owl. I would be in my nightie when Jeff would come home from work and I want us to spend more quality time together. I want my days to be filled purposefully
3 - Get (some sort) of exercise. I am used to and accepting of the fact that I have a wardrobe for being a M, L, and XL. This isn’t about weight. It’s when I go to bed I still have energy. My legs get restless. I want to wake up and do some form of (safe, modified) exercise (auto corrected to excruciating, how appropriate). I’m hoping this will also encourage me to eat breakfast... something I don’t get up in time for *facepalm*.
4 - Change all the art of my walls. I need something new to look at. I have a big gallery wall, but since we aren’t able to paint, this feels like the biggest way to make a big impact.
Happy New Year xx
PS - A profile picture is supposed to go into the pink square on the right. I wrote a new about me but haven’t included links yet. I have one episode of You left and our Chinese Food is getting cold so... FUTURE SAM PROBLEM!
PS - A profile picture is supposed to go into the pink square on the right. I wrote a new about me but haven’t included links yet. I have one episode of You left and our Chinese Food is getting cold so... FUTURE SAM PROBLEM!
