This one is short but sweet, so I didn't leave you hanging!
I finally forced myself to lie in bed at 3AM last night, knowing I had to be at the Civic today at 12:30. I had my MRI results, and this would determine my plan of action. I'm not sure if it was the steroids or my unoccupied mind that kept me awake - but man, I got into some dark places. I haven't been on steroids without a "headache" or being very sick, so I wasn't sure how they would affect me. I have a very loud, noisy cough and my bones ached all over. I hadn't yet gotten the results from the neck down, so I let my mind wander into what 'it' could be (definitely not just a cold, or from sleeping sitting up....).
This morning I woke up and knew I was off balance, tapering off of 6mg to 4mg of steroids. I had a few more days left, but I knew there was no change in using my right hand.
They kept me waiting at the Civic for an hour (could be worse!), but my mind kept going dark. I kept thinking about my results, promising to be good, but with the possibility of anything. I never take what the doctor's say firsthand anymore!
First the good news: Dr. S says I am stable from the neck down - my lungs and my bones. I was elated. All these aches and pains are from other medications or illnesses but they are NOT cancer. Thank god!
From the neck up, my scan shows almost the same thing as last time. Meaning, the steroids aren't working to dissolve that dead tissue. Additionally, while I won't know until I get the pathology report back on it, it does look like tumour and necrosis forming together in my cerebellum.
They can't radiate on the spot again while it's in there so it must come out. I will stay on 2mg of steroids unless I feel I need more until the surgery date. They are going to cancel my next chemo so it doesn't interfere with my surgery. I'll do tests this week to make sure I'm ready for surgery, and he said he would call me for a date next week. I'll spend 3-5 days in the Civic hospital. They will have social workers, care and aid for me. This is a bigger procedure then I signed up for!
They can't guarantee the use of my right hand, but it has to come out regardless. They worry if they go too deep I will have hand tremors or long lasting damage (15% I think - 85% not likely as someone pointed out ;) ). I could have fluid bleed out, I could have other side effects, but they will monitor me in the hospital. Everything can be dealt with, and usually it's a fairly straight forward surgery! They will put me out (!!), not even cut my hair, and suture me back up. It's close to the surface so they can do it again if need be - 60% chance of no tumour growing back if they don't radiate after - 90% chance it won't if they do radiation (but... this could mean more necrosis. I can't win!)
So here's the question.
I want to go away next weekend to Montreal. I want quality of life, I have already made the plans, and I want to go. Is it worth pushing the surgery a week? Should I do it right away? My doctor said to get it done as soon as possible but I know it's still my decision.
I have been sick before and this sense of normalcy - when I can - is what I thrive off of. It helps see me through the dark times so I want to say YES to Lady Gaga, restaurant dates and chats with my aunt, visiting my Nanny and Uncle, going to a Leonard Cohen tribute (the artists are AMAZING). I want to shop for a new iPad and walk St Catharine. Then... have the surgery.
This may be a lot to ask (everyone has told me this is serious) but I feel like I am being serious too. Quality of life versus quantity of life. Y'know?
Anyways, tomorrow I call and ask how time sensitive this surgery is.
My MIL gave me a brand new scarf from Joe Fresh that I plan to wear.
I'm seeing Kris + the baby.
I also become a real Mitchell (hello new health card!)
So this is shaping up to be a pretty exciting day.
Now if only I could sleep.....
PS:
Did you see our costume for book club? I am lucky to have a best friend like mine.
x